Lost That Loving Feeling? Here’s How To Get It Back
Originally published in The Union newspaper on November 1, 2022
Sometimes people come to couples therapy because it feels like the love, tenderness, and passion have disappeared from the relationship. Or, as the Righteous Brothers put it in their 1965 hit song, the presenting concern is “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’.”
With some couples, it is evident that they are having difficulties due to frequent arguments and sniping. But today’s column is about the couples that seem to have perfect marriages and shock friends and family when they reveal relationship troubles.
The couples that catch everyone off guard are often nice, mild-mannered folks. They rarely argue and appear to get along like a dream. But behind closed doors, they live like roommates, don’t share much of an emotional life, and may not understand why things aren’t working. In worst-case scenarios, they’re beginning to think there’s no hope for a fulfilling relationship. But is there a way to bring back that “lovin feelin”?
Conflict-Avoiding Style
The type of couple I’ve described above is a conflict-avoiding couple. They have a tacit agreement to keep the peace and avoid the intensity of dealing with one or both partners’ negative emotions. They might think, “let it go,” or “it’s not a big deal,” or “it’s not worth it to get upset.”
The approach to avoid negativity is well-meaning; however, it comes with a cost. The cost is that when shutting out the negative feelings, the positive emotions can disappear too. After days, months, and years pass by, like the song says, “the lovin feelin is gone, gone, gone.”
Pathway to Connection
With a looming threat of divorce, sometimes, then and only then, are conflict-avoiding couples prompted to dig deeper to uncover what is happening. Underneath the good-natured smiles and amiability might be unresolved hurts, anger, and tears. Of course, these aren’t the positive emotions people are hoping for. However, they are passionate and embodied emotions, and when tended to, they often unlock a sense of healing, closeness, and desire.
Couples that begin to risk sharing more deeply are often surprised when positive feelings come rushing back. They feel like they can hardly believe it. They wonder, “Is this real?” It sometimes feels like being under a spell, and they are scared to death that the spell will be broken. And you know what they want to do then? Avoid any conflicts to keep the good feelings going! Which, of course, doesn’t work in the long run.
Take The Risk
It’s scary for couples to speak up about what is going on at a deeper level because life has taught them this is not okay. These patterns often stem from their family-of-origin relationship histories. Insecure attachment styles operate as internal working models, unconsciously guiding partners in how they relate to one another. As a result, specific ways of relating feel correct and normal, and it’s awkward and even scary to change.
Do It Now
Sometimes people wait so long to address the conflict-avoiding pattern that someone steps outside of the relationship. If there is an outside love interest that has caught someone’s fancy, it makes it even harder to address. However, it is possible to turn things around, even after years of feeling disconnected.
I like to remember the value of sharing emotions in my own relationship, especially when we are having a challenging discussion. For example, if I reveal something that bothered me, I might feel like I’m being a real pain in the rear. Or maybe I’m impatient about something my husband is saying. It’s helpful to remind myself in those moments that, I’m so glad we can talk about anything because I know we will feel better on the other side. It puts the zing back into the relationship every time. (Fair warning–it might take a minute!)
If you and your partner had a love you don’t find everyday, with some motivation and risk, you just might be able to bring it on back.
