We’re Retired Dear, Now What?

First published in The Union on October 1, 2019

Golden Years, Here We Come

The day has finally come. You’ve collected your final paycheck. You’ve shed a few tears saying good-bye to your colleagues. Your post-retirement income is all figured out (you hope). At long last, it’s time to launch into the Golden Years. For some people, it’s smooth sailing. They know exactly how they will spend their time and mesh their life with their life-partner. For others, a feeling of dread starts to creep in. Who am I, now that I am retired? What am I going to do with my time and how much of that time exactly will I be spending with my spouse? What if we have little to talk about? On the other hand, what if my dear spouse won’t stop talking?! 

A Lot of Wisdom, But…

There is a lot of wisdom out there for retiring folks to stay happy and productive. Find a hobby. Get involved in community service. Turn off the TV and get to the gym. Don’t isolate; get out and be social. If you have the money, travel to your heart’s content. If funds are tight, enjoy day trips and bunk at home.

What people hear less about is how to manage the transition of retirement as a couple. How will we blend our lives during this next phase? Just like any transition that affects both of you, this is something to navigate together to create a mutually happy home.

Say What You Want…Not What You Don’t Want

A good place to start is to begin talking things through. Many people have preconceived ideas about what retirement will be like, but they haven’t necessarily shared them with their partner.  If the partner has a different idea about how things will go, things may begin to clash, and often no one knows why. Being clear about the wishes and wants on either side will help you and your partner begin to make sense out of things.

Next, you can figure out what might work for both of you. Remember, you are not always going to want the exact same things—that’s okay. Hear each other out, show some flexibility, and see how you can make room for both of your preferences. Helpful hint: if you say what you do want, rather than what you don’t want, the conversation typically stays proactive rather than going in a contentious direction. 

Talking Prompts For Retiring Couples

Have some ideas about what you would like to say when going in for these chats. An example might be saying, “I would like us to go out to lunch once a week”, or “I think it would be great to take the grandchildren to the park together”, or “I would like us to go rollerblading”, (you never know). You can also say what you would like in the way of your hobbies and activities as separate from your partner. 

To get the conversation started, here are some talking and listening prompts. Don’t forget to take turns. 

            What do you envision for an enjoyable retirement? 

            Any activities do you like to do alone?

            What activities do you like doing with your friends?

            Hopes for together-time?

            Are you open to new suggestions for fun things for us to do together?

            Do you consider “chick flicks” fun things? (Kidding around)

            Aches & pains; how much can I “share” without driving you nuts?

Need To Renegotiate?

Another situation to manage is if one person is retired and the other is still working. Sometimes the person still working may want some extra support. Rather than staying mum and building resentments, discuss how things might feel more equitable. If you run into trouble, seek professional help to have these necessary conversations.

Make ‘Em Sparkle

Navigating retirement gives couples a chance to get reacquainted. Talking and listening to each other’s hopes, dreams, and fears may even bring you closer than you’ve ever been. Working out these details together will make your Golden Years sparkle.