Slip Out The Back, Jack?

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Developing a “Therapy is Cool” Mindset

Do you have some energy and interest when coming to your weekly couples therapy appointment, or do you feel a creeping sense of dread and wish you could magically slip out unnoticed? What is it that can make the difference when feeling one way or the other? One client recently realized that he had two different aspects of himself that might show up to couples therapy. There’s “Jack,” think sad face, and “Jake,” think happy face. These two representations are about two different mindsets he might have walking in the door to couples therapy. Check them out to see how you might improve your couples therapy experience. Of course these aspects could apply to a male or female partner. Here they are:

On the one hand, there is “Jack” who is uncomfortable with conflict of any kind. He thinks it is an automatic fail when his wife has negative feelings about him. He believes it’s his job to keep his wife from ever having negative feelings. If she does have any, it seems like there is a flashing danger signal that says, “Warning, clear the area! Get away from these feelings and fast!” Imagine how stressful that is for Jack! If his wife does have negative feelings, Jack thinks the best thing to do is to try to talk his wife out of the feelings as quickly as possible. (How well do you think that goes over?!) If that doesn’t work, he capitulates on any given point in order to keep the peace, even though privately, he will be fuming. If both of the above do not work, then solving the point as quickly as possible makes sense to Jack. Because, for gosh sakes, whatever you do, thinks Jack, do not and I repeat, do not, linger around in the feelings!

Take The Pressure Off

On the other hand we have “Jake” who brings the attitude that it is okay if his wife wants to express unhappy emotions, even if they involve him. If something bothered her, and she is expressing it with respect, it’s okay. He has figured out that it’s not his job to make sure that his wife is happy at all times. He doesn’t have to panic or defend or fix anything. Whew, what a relief! This takes the pressure off of him from feeling responsible for her. Now he can get more interested in her as a separate person. He knows that, like her, it is helpful to calm himself down and get curious about what is going on with her. When it is her turn to share, he can listen, ask questions and let her know when he understands what is up. Plus, the therapist is there to throw in some assists if he is at a loss for words. Also, Jake knows that he also gets to talk about what is important to him and his wife listen and be interested in him.

A New Way To Be

Of course there are reasons that “Jack” may be lukewarm on therapy. Like maybe Jack never had relationships where it was okay to talk and listen. Maybe in the past, sharing his inner experience would have resulted in ridicule or worse. Choosing to create different kinds of relationships can be a part of claiming a new life in adulthood. It is a conscious, proactive process. The exciting thing is, the old rules of childhood need not apply anymore. For Jack, it’s a matter of updating his internal files and trying out some new ways of interacting. Nerve-wracking? Perhaps. But also rewarding to be able to develop new abilities for autonomy and closeness.

Sometimes it is Jack who starts the therapy, and then eventually Jake takes over because developing a new mindset is a process. Depending on whether a person brings a Jack or Jake state of mind to couples therapy, the experience can be entirely different. Jack may want to slip out the back at first. If he hangs in there, Jake may start showing up for a whole new experience.

couples therapy

The Measuring Cups Incident

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shutterstock_265377611How Managing Household Chores Can Help Your Relationship Grow

Seemingly insignificant conflicts can represent larger issues in a couple’s relationship. Bickering over a brand of toothpaste or who takes out the trash—these pesky battles emerge in the life of a couple. As a therapist specializing in couples counseling, it’s my job to help a couple understand what’s going on. Are these picky details really so important or is something else afoot?

One couple who came to therapy was stuck over the placement of the kitchen measuring cups. During a marital separation, the husband, who we’ll call Bob, had moved the measuring cups to a new location in the kitchen. When they got back together, the wife, who we’ll call, Sally, silently objected to this rearrangement. Bob had purchased extra glass measuring cups and stacked them where Sally was sure they would get chipped. Thus, when Sally put the dishes away after Bob had washed them, she left the measuring cups sitting on the kitchen counter refusing to put them in the new spot.

Don’t Avoid The Discussion

Sally thought it would become a no-win fight if she suggested moving the cups to a bigger cupboard where they wouldn’t get chipped. She couldn’t bring herself to calmly and clearly bring it up. Meanwhile, the measuring cups sat on the kitchen counter. It irritated Bob that Sally was leaving the measuring cups on the counter, but he didn’t want to risk upsetting her by asking about it. After all, she was back in the house and the relationship had improved from where they had been. If she didn’t want the measuring cups in the new spot, so be it. Thus, the measuring cups sat out and were a constant, unspoken reminder that said, “We can’t even talk about the small stuff in our relationship! Things might get out of hand!”

Talking About The Small Stuff Is Good Practice

Finally, Bob became irritated enough that one day he came to therapy and let it out.  Why in the world wouldn’t  Sally put the measuring cups away? Yes! Bob was finally willing to raise a point of conflict instead of sweeping it away. He was taking a small step toward growth—being able to discuss something that was important to him—albeit a small thing. Practicing with this could lead the way to being able to talk about more significant things like affection and sex.

I encouraged him to tell Sally about it; they could handle this discussion! With effort, Sally was able to listen and understand Bob’s mounting frustration. She could see how it must be irritating that he felt he couldn’t tell her what bugged him. In turn, and with a good dose of self-control, Bob was able to hear about Sally’s experience.  He saw that she didn’t feel she could offer a solution that he might take seriously. The couple was able to agree that the measuring cups was a symbol representing their need be able to talk about stuff, small and large. Once each partner had a sense of feeling heard, coming up with a solution became immeasurably (couldn’t resist) easier.

The happy ending? The measuring cups are off the kitchen counter and put away; no big deal. Like the measuring cups incident, household chores offer opportunities for couples to say and hear what is important. If couples can stick with a process of sharing before rushing to a solution prematurely, that’s a recipe for success.

marriage counseling | Meg Luce

Get The Most From Couples Counseling

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Self Focus for Change

Have you ever suggested that you and your partner get couples counseling to work on your relationship, when really you wanted to come in to have the therapist tell your partner a thing or two? If so, you’re not alone. It’s tempting to think that having your partner do all the changing will solve your relationship problems, when really, creating meaningful change comes from each partner addressing their own part. That means that having a self-focus in couples therapy will give you the power to make positive changes instead of waiting for your partner to act. And if your partner does the same, you’ll be off to a dynamite start.

Be a World Class Listener

Another part of getting the most from couples counseling is learning to be a world class listener—and I don’t mean to the therapist! I mean learning to get curious about what your partner has to say. You may think you already know everything there is to know about your partner, but when you learn to slow down and really listen instead of rehearsing your next snappy comeback, you may hear some new things that may surprise you.

Learn New Skills

A willingness to learn new skills is another way to get the most from couples therapy. Remember what I said about listening? Okay, here comes the skills—self-regulation—that’s huge when it comes to listening. Our natural tendency is to say, “Ya, but,”  before our partner gets a chance to finish his or her sentence. You were late to my birthday party and…”Ya, but!” You weren’t there when I reached for you and I felt…”Ya, but!” It’s hard to think of quieting ourselves down when we hear our partner express their pain. It’s natural to want to defend ourselves; however, when we learn to settle down and master our emotions, we allow our partner to clear away hurt feelings, just by our calm, attentive presence.

Stretch Toward Growth

If all this sounds like it may require some stretching and growing, you’re right! And it is the stretching and growing that can revitalize your marriage or love relationship. It is in this learning that new feelings, new behaviors and a new sense of closeness can develop. Will it require some effort? Yes! Did I say that like it is a bad thing? It’s good effort. Isn’t that better than resentfully watching the years pass away with the same old same old?

You’re Not Alone

If it sounds like all this is risky business, just know that that is where your couples therapist comes in. She or he is there to guide you into, what can be for some, new territories. And you don’t have to know how to execute these skills when you enter therapy. If you bring a self-focus and a willingness to listen and learn, you will be well on your way to getting the most you can from couples therapy.

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