Keep The Couple-Connection Throughout the Holidays
First published in The Union on December 3, 2019
Whether you’re just beginning to create holiday traditions or you’ve been having turkey dinners with the in-laws for years, the holidays can bring up challenges for couples. Of course, not everyone celebrates the holidays, but for couples that do, it’s helpful to anticipate the season together.
Holiday Whirlwind
Many questions arise such as, how and where to celebrate, and who gets to decide? Will you travel to your relatives? If so, which side of the family will you visit? Or do you want to stay home this year? It may seem that the holidays come and sweep you up in a whirlwind of activities that you don’t necessarily enjoy. Couples can easily lose track of each other during the hustle-bustle. You may even wish to raise an opposing view on a current tradition, but you don’t know how to do it without getting into an argument or hurting your spouse’s feelings. On the other hand, if you’re a young couple, just starting out, you might be wondering what traditions you want to create and how to make it a joint project.
Figure Out What’s Important
Recently I heard a friend say, “I hate the holidays because I run around doing what everyone else wants me to do!” She followed up with, “I want to have time to hang out with my family and just be.” After hearing that, I thought to myself, hey, this is entirely possible. I guess it’s a matter of sitting down and thinking about what is important and what you want to create, then discussing it with your partner. Oh, and one more thing, you will likely have to give up the part about keeping everyone happy—but that’s a topic for another column.
Pick and Choose Connection
You don’t have to decorate the house to the hilt. You can gather some cedar boughs and call it good. Holiday cards are entirely optional. Baking…what sounds fun? Skip the rest. Gift giving to everyone you know—um, hello, not necessary, unless you love to do it. Sit down with your spouse and set your intentions for the season. What things bring you joy? Which things feel like a meaningless time suck? What are a few things you can do to stay connected with each other?
Create Your Holiday Season Together as a Couple
Yes, it’s the Season of Giving, but that doesn’t mean giving up your soul and your sanity. Make some eggnog and sit down as a couple with your calendars and keep the following in mind:
- Discuss the holiday season that each of you wants to create. What is important? Remember, you don’t have to celebrate the holiday on the exact day of the holiday. My extended family often celebrates Thanksgiving, with plenty of gusto, the day after to accommodate everyone’s travel schedules and other Thanksgiving plans. Try to be creative and flexible to include things that are important to you both.
- See if you can create some fun traditions just for you as a couple to keep a strong connection during the holidays. One couple I know shared the tradition of a romantic crab dinner and champagne on Christmas Eve after tucking the children into bed. This was a special holiday tradition just for them. There could be annual ski date; a (naughty) holiday nighty and PJs tradition; Victorian and/or Cornish Christmas excursion; volunteering together for a greater cause; Twelve Days of Gratitude notes; cuddling on the couch watching a favorite holiday movie. What else can you imagine that would be fun?
- I like the saying, “Happiness equals reality minus expectations”, especially for the holidays. Yes, it can be a special day, but it will most likely not fulfill your every wildest dream. There will be other special days. If you don’t get everything you want (and you probably won’t) don’t worry. Practice gratitude for what is enjoyable. There will be other celebrations.
Whether your holiday festivities are near or far from home this year, you can set your intentions to stay connected, as a couple, and create the merriest season ever for the two of you to share in together.
