What is Relationship Counseling and How Does it work?

Relationship counseling is for people who want to improve their relationships. Sometimes it’s called relationship therapy, couples therapy or marriage counseling. It is for married people or others in long-term relationships, whether they are heterosexual or same-sex partners.

Why Relationships Break Down

Often people find that after the initial “honeymoon period,” where the relationship feels almost effortless, things can become more difficult. This is perfectly normal and indicates that the couple is moving into a new phase of the relationship. Whereas during the honeymoon period, the couple focused on creating a strong bond, the next relationship phase encompasses each partner finding ways to bring their own individual preferences into the relationship. The couple begins making room for the “you” and “me” in the “we” of being together. This is not easy!

How Relationship Counseling Can Help

Often, people don’t realize why the relationship begins to feel harder than it used to be. They might think, “you changed!” or “maybe we aren’t meant for each other after all!” People can become anxious and upset. This, in itself, creates upheaval in the relationship. This is one of the times people tend to seek therapy. A good relationship therapist can help the couple understand and normalize what is happening so they can settle down. As they learn to settle down, they can roll up their sleeves and do the work of learning to navigate their differences.

How Relationship Troubles Can Happen

Here’s an example so you can see exactly how relationship troubles begin and how it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. When two people meet and fall for each other, they are highly motivated to make sacrifices to be together as one. Awash in dopamine in the ventral tegmental area of the brain, falling in love gives a seemingly endless supply of new relationship energy (NRE), and nothing seems too difficult.

For example, if one partner loves Hawaiian vacations and the other prefers camping, each will likely be more inclined to bend toward the other.  You might hear, “I’ve never gone camping and I’ve wondered how I would like it. Let’s do it!” They might think, “My partner is so wonderful. Anything is fun when we’re together!”

‘It’s All-Good-All-The-Time’ Won’t Last

This kind of thinking is classic honeymoon stage. The emphasis is on “we.” When we are together, it’s all good! It’s wonderfully enjoyable for everyone involved. However, it won’t last. It won’t last because as the couple emerges from the bliss of the honeymoon stage, they begin to remember things like, “Hold on, wait a minute, I hate camping!” They might even think, “My partner always makes me go camping!” What might really be happening is a failure of speaking up due to the honeymoon haze.

Another Year, Another Resentment

Sometimes people go for years without resolving their differences; by never learning how to address the typical conflicts of everyday life, the couple resorts to either fighting or avoiding talking about sensitive topics. With each passing year, hurt feelings and resentments pile up. When this happens, couples can feel uncared for and distant. It leaves the sense that “we can’t communicate!” Because there are so many unresolved hurts and resentments, it can be confusing to know what is even going on. This is another time people call for therapy. It can be an almost last-ditch effort where they believe that reconnecting is practically impossible. Though it can feel impossible, it isn’t. What matters most is a willingness and dedication to learn new ways of being together.

Reasons To Seek Relationship Counseling

There are other reasons people come to relationship counseling. Some of these reasons are as follows: healing the painful hurt after the discovery of an affair; coping with a life tragedy, such as an accident or significant illness; to address an unsatisfying sex life, such as in the case of sexual desire discrepancy; fighting endlessly about money, substance abuse, parenting or other issues that the couple just can’t seem to solve on their own.  

How Often Do We Meet?

Regardless of exactly why people seek relationship counseling, the way it works is to meet with the therapist in person or online sessions. Meetings are typically once per week or every other week. After things improve, meetings tend to move to once a month or even less frequently to check-in to make sure things are staying on track. 

How Long Are Sessions?

Sessions are typically either 55-minutes or 1 hour and 25 minutes long. Some therapists offer what is called “intensives,” where the couple meets with the therapist for an extended period of time. Intensives typically last a full day or an entire weekend. Not every relationship therapist offers this service, so it is something to inquire about if this is what you feel would most benefit your relationship.

Is Relationship Therapy Uncomfortable?

Many people feel slightly anxious when they attend their first session of relationship counseling. Usually people begin feeling more relaxed very quickly when they realize the therapist is there to help as an ally to the relationship. Although a good therapist will challenge each partner to look at their own side of improving the relational dynamic, therapists are trained to show sensitivity and kindness.

Choose An Expert To Help You

If you would like to work on your relationship, couples therapy is an excellent way to get help. When you call for services, be sure to ask if the therapist has specific training and experience working with couples. It is a specialty of counseling, and not every therapist has this expertise. Although you and your partner must be open and willing to do the work, you will want a therapist who has a clear roadmap of couples therapy and the skills to guide you along the way to building a strong and healthy relationship.