Chores: A Favor To Your Children

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Have you ever heard someone say, “I had to learn how to do chores once I became an adult?” Or maybe a person will say, “I never learned how to clean.” Perhaps, you have said such words. If others were doing most everything for you, it can feel like you didn’t quite catch on to how to keep up with household tasks, yourself. Of course we can learn to do these things anyway, but it may feel more challenging. So guess what? When you are teaching your children to do chores, you are doing them a big favor!

Who knew, that when my mom was showing me how to clean the toilet (don’t forget the bottom part!), and vacuum the carpet (be sure to get in the corners!), and load the dishwasher (rinse off the chunks!) she was giving me a gift. I don’t think I would have seen it that way at the time. It certainly didn’t feel like a gift when I made a gender roles complaint that my brother didn’t have to help with the dishes and I unwittingly got myself the job of picking up the dog poop!

Chores Help Children

I keep bumping into research with positive correlations about children doing chores. You might want to check out the Wall Street Journal article, Why Children Need Chores. Doing chores teaches responsibility and gives children the sense that they can contribute. Contributing gives a feeling of efficacy: I can do stuff! Contributing also creates a feeling of belonging. I am a part of the team—my family, that is. Having everyone contribute helps us remember that, I’m no more, and no less important, than anyone else in the family.

Does that mean your kids will always do their chores with a big smile on their faces? Doubt it. But then again, do you? Enjoying the task is optional; you can still insist everyone participates.

I visited a friend for lunch the other day and when it came to mealtime, every one of her kids had a job. They scattered like mice, scurrying around, each with their own little task. One set out the napkins; one grabbed the flatware; bread appeared on the table. Wow! It was magical how the mother had given each child a manageable task and the table was set. Obviously, a lot had gone on behind the scenes regarding consistent, well-defined responsibilities. But it was paying off in spades; mom was getting help, and the children were receiving the life-long benefits of participating in life tasks. With some planning and patience, you and your family can do this too!

 

Filling buckets

Filling Buckets, Not Just Stockings!

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A family culture of valuing thoughtfulness is a great way to counterbalance the season’s focus on material things.

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mindful parenting

Waterfalls & Mindful Parenting

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As fall approaches, many of us think toward the new school year and the ending of summer. Long, relaxing afternoons along the Yuba River will fade to gearing up for school activities. The hustle bustle of the school year can bring a busy-ness and it’s easy to forget the mindful moments of summer. Getting breakfast on the table, lunches made, and backpacks checked, and getting everyone out the door in the mornings, for example—can make us forget to slow down. The slower, more relaxed parenting of summer can quickly disappear and “scary Mommy”, as one mom described herself at her worst, can step in. Who wants a year of scary Mommy or angry Daddy running the show? No one.

Stay Mindfully Grounded

Okay, so now what? Here is where waterfalls and mindful parenting come in. We don’t have to get swept away in the hustle bustle. We can fine ways to stay mindfully grounded. Here is a story about what one mom did to help keep her center.

One Mom’s Story…

During the course of a parenting workshop Mom realized she was losing control at home. Whether it was letting the expletives rip, losing her temper and yelling, or throwing up her hands with gaining her child’s cooperation, she realized she gave up her self-control. Not only that, but she gave up her center and her ability to take charge as a parent. Mom started to see that the calmer she was with her child, the more responsive her child was with her. Neuroscientist, Dr. M. Hofer, and researcher Dr. T. Field, have advanced the idea that relationships are regulators, suggesting that relationships help regulate optimal arousal. This means that to calm our children, we must first calm ourselves. In working with hundreds of parents, I think this is the single most important factor for parents to learn in order to enjoy their relationships with their children.

What’s your Power Word?

I asked the mom who was having trouble staying calm, what might be a power word and image to help her manifest herself as she wants to be. She closed her eyes and thought for a minute. Before too long, she opened her eyes and said, “waterfall”. I didn’t know why this was particularly meaningful to her and that didn’t matter. What mattered, and we could both feel it, was that this would be her powerful word/image that would give her strength to be who she wanted to be during times of stress.

Through advances in neuroscience, we know that our brains have plasticity. This means that if we practice self-calming and keep at it, we can train our brains to respond in new ways. This is hopeful for those of us in a bad rut. As far as the mom using the power word “waterfall”, she practiced using it to stay grounded and strong.

What is your power word? Find it.

child helping in family routines and rituals

Routines & Rituals, A Parent’s Best Friend

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7:30, 7:30, 7:30, my seven year-old-self used to say in a sing-songy voice with resigned indignation as a traipsed off to bed. Everyone in the family knew that this was my official bedtime. As the youngest of four kids, I didn’t like going to bed earlier than my siblings. Did that matter? Not particularly. Regardless of what I said or did, when the clock struck 7:30, it was lights out.

Routines & Rituals Do the Work

The fact that I had an unvarying, official bedtime was my mom’s secret weapon to getting me to bed without too much trouble. On school nights, I knew there would be no budging on this point, so I gave only a few halfhearted gripes about it now and then. I knew I had to get to bed at the designated time because the routine was set. After dinner, it was bath, teeth, story time, and then bed…at 7:30.

Powerful Interventions

I recently shared this memory in a parenting workshop to illustrate the power of creating rituals & routines. Once a routine is in place, children know what to expect and what is expected of them. It gives a rhythm to the days and nights, as well a sense of comfort and security to children. Create your ritual or routine by giving it a little thought and creativity.  You can use them for gaining cooperation or additionally, providing emotional support. Some parents devise morning routines to help everyone get up and off to school, in a good humor and fully dressed! Sometimes a parent creates a special good-bye ritual at preschool to help a child let go of Mom or Dad. Putting a routine in place can smooth whatever situation may result in distress for you and your children.

Start Your Routine

Getting a new routine started isn’t necessarily easy. Here are a few ideas to help you put your routine in place:

• Decide exactly what the routine will involve

• All family members living agree to uphold the routine (yes, that means you)

• Sit down with the kids and let them know about the new plan

• Invite their suggestions and incorporate their ideas into the plan

Get Some Buy-In

Children will be much more interested in following the new plan if they help to create it. So give a visual representation of the routine. This could be a checklist, pictures, or photographs of your child in poses demonstrating the routine. Go ahead and let them ham it up! Creating this together can be fun stuff! One mom of a three-year-old had the idea of using a felt board with cut out felt figures of the morning routine. How cool is that?

Your New BFF

Whatever ritual or routine you put in place, it may become your BFF in providing parenting support!

 

stop yelling at your kids

Make a Fresh Start and Create a Happier Home

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The real title of this article is, “Yes, You Can Stop Yelling at Your Kids!” Let’s face it, many parents struggle with this one. Parents don’t want to yell at their kids, and yet they do. Sometimes stress is high, sometimes parents are repeating old patterns, other times parents can’t get their children to cooperate. If you are sick of yelling and ready to give it up, here are a few steps to help.

You Can Give Up Yelling

  1. Check your underlying thoughts about what is going on just before you yell. What is the story you are telling yourself that is triggering your big reaction? Is your child’s behavior reminding you of some unfinished business from your past? Spend some time in mindfulness and explore what is affecting you. Be kind to yourself; there may be an old hurt that needs attention. Talk about it with a good friend. If you feel stuck, seek professional help. I remember having the thought that “something is wrong” when my daughter was testing boundaries when she was about five years old. Ironically, it was this thought, more than her behavior that would activate me to shout.
  1. Promise yourself that no matter what, you are not going to yell. You can experience feelings from A to Z, but that doesn’t mean you have to yell. Count to ten and back to one if you need to. Or do five jumping jacks before you allow yourself to speak one word to your kids. It’s amazing what a difference a few seconds can make as to what comes out of your mouth. And by the way, this can work wonders with the adults in your life too!
  1. Create a plan of what you will do instead of yelling. Ask yourself, what does my child need from me when problems occur? Connection? Limits? A snack? If you make a clear plan for yourself ahead of time, you will know what to do instead of losing control. If you need help with what to do, attend a parenting workshop and get some ideas. Write down your plan and share it with your partner or a friend. Track your results until you have created a new way of dealing with conflict.

Stay In The Parent Role

Years ago, my daughter noticed immediately when I stopped myself from yelling and instead told her to go to her room. I was very upset and she could see me restraining myself. Instead of yelling I said, “Haley”, breath, breath, “go to your room”, breath, “please.” I will never forget her piping up with the response, “Mommy, I like the way you said that.” It was such a role-reversal to have her acknowledge my efforts at managing my behavior that it confirmed for me that I never again wanted to be in the child-role with my five-year-old! I stopped yelling for good and that’s how I know you can too. When you do, you will be on the way to creating a happy and healthy home for yourself and your family.

Fostering Sibling Friendships

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Did you know that on average, siblings between the ages of three and seven argue about 10 minutes of every hour? I love telling parents about this fact from the studies in the book, Nurture Shock, New Thinking About Children, because it gives parents a feeling of relief that, “Whew, my kids aren’t the only ones that bicker!” Concerns about how to deal with sibling conflict are some of the most frequently asked questions I hear from parents. It can bring up a lot of emotions. As parents, we love our kids and want them to love each other. And it can drive parents a little nuts when their children seem to be arguing all day long. Here is some information about how to alleviate sibling conflict and how to foster positive sibling relationships.

Highlight the Fun Times

One key idea is that siblings who have fun together—at least some of the time—will be more motivated to work through their differences. One researcher reported that when sibling interactions resulted in net positive interactions, this made the difference for enduring relationships later in life. The siblings who just ignored each other as kids tended to stay cool and distant in the long term. Think back to your own sibling relationships; does this idea hold true? I tended to scrap with one of my sisters—okay, I admit it, I still do—but we also had a ton of fun during the good times. The relationship was important enough that we would always make up; and still do, thank goodness. When relationships have some positive emotional resonance, siblings will be more motivated to get past the conflict. They want their playmate back!

Teach Social Skills

Another key idea to encourage positive sibling relationships is to help children develop the skills to get along with each other. These skills will come in handy for getting along with their age-mates as well. If left to their own devices, children are likely to push and grab and squawk to get what they want. They don’t come preprogramed with a pleasant negotiation skill-set. Never fear, parents can help children develop the skills they need for successful interactions. Parents will then need to exercise patience, patience while encouraging their children to practice, practice.

Cover the Basics

To get started, think about what stumbling blocks occur during your children’s conflicts. First off, check the basics. Are the kids too tired, too hungry or over-stimulated? If so, that requires adult intervention to meet those needs to help children be at their best. Next, think about skills your children need to learn to negotiate with each other. What do you see them doing that is not working? Can you think of more appropriate alternatives that you can teach them to do instead?

Use Cue Words

One program called, “More Fun With Brothers And Sisters” helped siblings develop negotiation skills with one another by using the words, “Stop”, “Think”, and “Talk”. These were used as cues to help children learn to initiate play, find activities that both siblings liked, and how to gently decline play when they were not interested.

What do you think is the most common reason for sibling conflict? The answer is the sharing of possessions. You can help your children with this by teaching them to say, “May I have a turn when you are done?”

When your children seem to be hassling each other day and night, just remember that it is normal for children to squabble. Take a deep breath and help them practice their negotiation skills and find ways to highlight the good times.

 

family rules help children

We Do This At School!

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Originally published in the Summer 2015 Parents’ Resource Guide

Leyda Morales knows firsthand about school culture. After years of working with children in the Grass Valley Schools as English Learning Manager, she is well studied in the daily conventions of school. I was tickled with her enthusiasm as she said what became a familiar refrain while she was interpreter for a Triple P Parenting workshop for Spanish-speaking families. Every so often throughout the class Leyda would interject brightly, “We do this at School!”

Family Rules Help Children

When children come to school they learn how to function as part of a group, how to take turns, and how to follow a set of school rules. Leyda was in a unique position. She observed similarities between what families were learning at the workshop, and how this compared with what children learn in order to function at school. She got me thinking how when families have clear, age-appropriate guidelines at home, their children will have more of a sense about how to fit in at school. This can make the transition toward acclimating to school each fall a whole lot easier on kids.

Be Collaborative

At times, Leyda got excited during Spanish Triple P, and her Spanish would sound faster and faster. I wouldn’t have a clue what she was saying, until she would stop and say, in English, “I was just telling the class how ”we do this in school!”

On one occasion, I had been sharing the strategy of setting clear ground rules. Some families like to think of this as making family agreements. The family sits together and talks about what will help them get along better. They brainstorm on reducing the fighting and increasing the fun. Also, how to incorporate into the rules the family’s values for treating each other with love and respect. Get the rules down on paper next, and perhaps even have the children write down and decorate the document. Next, post the family rules for everyone to see. Leyda explained how at school they teach the rules of caring for each other and their school. Every child learns what is expected.

We Do This At Home!

Children who live in a household with clear standards and accountability can more easily understand about the rules at school. There will be something familiar about having the teachers say, “Wait your turn, please.” If you haven’t already been doing this at home, don’t worry! It’s never too late. You can sit down and make your family agreements today. Just remember, it will take time for your kids to test out whether you’re serious about enforcing these new ideas.When children go to school after practicing family rules at home, it feels natural to abide by school rules. Why? Because they can think to themselves, I know how this works because we do this at home!

marriage roses

Don’t Blame Marriage

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I recently read an article in the Huffington Post called, Ben Affleck And The Experts Are Wrong: Marriage Is Not Hard Work, by Ronna Benjamin. Within one day there were 2,336 comments; I think it touched a nerve.

A lot of people thought Ms. Benjamin was being smug. Irritation leaked through many of the comments as if people were bothered that the author could be having such an easy marriage, when many readers were not.

Other commentary sided with the author against the “experts,” legions of misguided therapists providing psychotherapy for couples choosing to work hard to improve their marriages. The implicit point? Struggling relationships are simply bad matches.

Is Marriage Hard Work?

The article made me stop and wonder about whether I think marriage is hard work. The conclusion that I came to is that what really takes work, is less marriage itself, and more becoming an adult. Of course we all progress in chronological years, but that doesn’t mean we are necessarily maturing. And here is where I will sound like I am contradicting myself because, ironically, if there’s one thing that will really pressure you to grow, it’s marriage.

Here is what I mean…it’s a lot easier to be self-absorbed, or stubborn, lose your temper, or have any other irksome quality if you’re single. If you get some flack, you can say, “Hey, that’s just me,” and move on to the next friend with benefits. If you’re in a long-term relationship, chances are your partner will confront you with these gems and they will become points of contention. I guess this is good news and bad news: Your friends with benies probably won’t be important enough to motivate you to improve upon your shortcomings. Easier, yes; but also perhaps a missed opportunity. On the other hand, your marriage will ask you to grow and develop yourself, as nothing else will.

Marriage is An Opportunity For Growth

What are some of the tasks of growing yourself up? According to respected couples therapists, Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson of The Couples Institute, developmental tasks of adulthood include self-differentiation–being able to know who you are as an individual and express your preferences, and other-differentiation, the ability to listen to, value, and empathize with another person’s perspective, even if it is in conflict with your own. Performing these abilities, well, requires a good dose of self-regulation. This means staying in the tension of conflict without shouting down your partner, or collapsing in resentful compliance. According to the Bader/Pearson Developmental model, when couples get stuck, the individual developmental growth of each partner will help the couple move forward.

Say you have a passive aggressive style because you never learned how to assert yourself. Eventually, it’s probably going to raise a ruckus in your relationship when for example, you keep forgetting to buy Rocky Road ice cream–your husband’s favorite, and come home instead with Butter Pecan, which you *forgot* he can’t stand.

Say you are just plain passive. You will need to learn to stand up for yourself or you will probably end up despising your partner or emotionally checking out of the relationship.

Say you tend to rant and rave and get truly nasty when you’re angry. If your partner is developed enough to confront you about this, let’s just say you will have some golden opportunities to grow.

Become Your Best Self

Does this mean that “non-grown up” grown ups should never marry? Not necessarily, because guess what? Marriages can help people learn to grow themselves up! In fact, lucky you, your marriage will point the way. What your partner is asking for may be exactly what you need to do to grow. And yes, spoiler alert, this will take some work.

As we develop as people, we make better partners. This developmental growth is worth doing because we become our best selves in the process. Plus, it invigorates our relationships. As we become better partners, marriage gets easier. In the meantime, if you’ve got some growing to do and you’re married—get ready for some work. Just don’t blame marriage.

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Slip Out The Back, Jack?

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Developing a “Therapy is Cool” Mindset

Do you have some energy and interest when coming to your weekly couples therapy appointment, or do you feel a creeping sense of dread and wish you could magically slip out unnoticed? What is it that can make the difference when feeling one way or the other? One client recently realized that he had two different aspects of himself that might show up to couples therapy. There’s “Jack,” think sad face, and “Jake,” think happy face. These two representations are about two different mindsets he might have walking in the door to couples therapy. Check them out to see how you might improve your couples therapy experience. Of course these aspects could apply to a male or female partner. Here they are:

On the one hand, there is “Jack” who is uncomfortable with conflict of any kind. He thinks it is an automatic fail when his wife has negative feelings about him. He believes it’s his job to keep his wife from ever having negative feelings. If she does have any, it seems like there is a flashing danger signal that says, “Warning, clear the area! Get away from these feelings and fast!” Imagine how stressful that is for Jack! If his wife does have negative feelings, Jack thinks the best thing to do is to try to talk his wife out of the feelings as quickly as possible. (How well do you think that goes over?!) If that doesn’t work, he capitulates on any given point in order to keep the peace, even though privately, he will be fuming. If both of the above do not work, then solving the point as quickly as possible makes sense to Jack. Because, for gosh sakes, whatever you do, thinks Jack, do not and I repeat, do not, linger around in the feelings!

Take The Pressure Off

On the other hand we have “Jake” who brings the attitude that it is okay if his wife wants to express unhappy emotions, even if they involve him. If something bothered her, and she is expressing it with respect, it’s okay. He has figured out that it’s not his job to make sure that his wife is happy at all times. He doesn’t have to panic or defend or fix anything. Whew, what a relief! This takes the pressure off of him from feeling responsible for her. Now he can get more interested in her as a separate person. He knows that, like her, it is helpful to calm himself down and get curious about what is going on with her. When it is her turn to share, he can listen, ask questions and let her know when he understands what is up. Plus, the therapist is there to throw in some assists if he is at a loss for words. Also, Jake knows that he also gets to talk about what is important to him and his wife listen and be interested in him.

A New Way To Be

Of course there are reasons that “Jack” may be lukewarm on therapy. Like maybe Jack never had relationships where it was okay to talk and listen. Maybe in the past, sharing his inner experience would have resulted in ridicule or worse. Choosing to create different kinds of relationships can be a part of claiming a new life in adulthood. It is a conscious, proactive process. The exciting thing is, the old rules of childhood need not apply anymore. For Jack, it’s a matter of updating his internal files and trying out some new ways of interacting. Nerve-wracking? Perhaps. But also rewarding to be able to develop new abilities for autonomy and closeness.

Sometimes it is Jack who starts the therapy, and then eventually Jake takes over because developing a new mindset is a process. Depending on whether a person brings a Jack or Jake state of mind to couples therapy, the experience can be entirely different. Jack may want to slip out the back at first. If he hangs in there, Jake may start showing up for a whole new experience.

Summertime and the Liven’ Can Be Easy

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Published in the Parent’s Resource Guide, Spring 2015

When my daughter was  growing up, I used to get a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach around this time of year. The school year would be coming to an end. The long, unstructured days of summer were approaching. As a mostly stay-at-home mom, a feeling of trepidation would begin to creep in. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy my daughter’s company. I did plenty. I just didn’t want to be entertainment central, 24-7, all summer long. Also did not want to park her in front of a screen to do chores or to have some downtime. Eventually, I began to figure out a few things that made summertime liven easy—as the Gershwin tune says. Here are some ideas for easy summertime parenting:

5 Steps For an Easy Summertime Parenting

  1. Create a loose structure and prepare your children for what to expect. Routines and rituals can be a parent’s best friend. If your children come to expect certain activities at certain times of day, it can take the struggle right out of it. For example, if bedtime is at 7:30 every night, no ifs ands or buts, your child will come to expect it.
  2. Build in some downtime for everyone, including you! Even if the children don’t nap anymore, you can have “rest time” where the children may choose quiet activities, such as reading or looking a picture books by themselves.
  3. Incorporate a few changes of scenery into your daily routine. It can lift everyone’s spirits to get outside of the same four walls. This can be as simple as a daily midmorning tour of the backyard to see what kinds of insects are crawling about.
  4. Plan something for everyone to look forward to each week. This could be a trip to the swimming pool, the library, or fun at the park.
  5. Expect it to take some time to enforce the new routine. I am always reminded of the beginning of Kindergarten and how the teacher would go over the rules again and again with the children. It takes a while for them to get it. They will eventually relax into it, if you gently persist.

Don’t Forget About Summer Fun For You

You might even start the process of preparing yourself for summer by imagining what kind of a summer you would find pleasurable. Imagine yourself happy and relaxed and enjoying your children. What kinds of things are you doing together? What might offer you a bit of rejuvenation? Perhaps you can create this space for yourself. If you give it some thought, and plan ahead and prepare your children to expect this new routine, it can make for some easier liven this summer.