Legit Reasons to Go to Bed Angry

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Most of us have heard the adage “never go to bed angry”. It makes good sense at first glance. Of course couples want to sail off into slumber each night without a trace of discord. Plus, it’s common sense not to let resentments to pile up. However, say you’re having trouble seeing eye to eye with your sweetheart. Say tempers are starting to flare. There is a good chance one or both people will get carried away and say some things they regret. A time out is in order—even if it means going to bed before things are resolved.

Research about marriages that succeed or fail

Please continue reading this article by Meg Luce, LMFT on marriage.com where it was first published on August 31, 2018

Top Ten Reasons To Take Parenting Classes

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 Originally published in the Parents’ Resource Guide Back to School Issue 2018

It’s that time of year where I gear up to offer parenting classes. Triple P-Positive Parenting is an evidence-based curriculum for parents with children 2-12, and with a little applied effort, the program gives good results for developing helpful skills and useful strategies. Circle of Security Parenting is another parenting journey for those with babies and young children up to age 5. It is a rich and reflective experience that helps parents understand and respond to the needs of their young ones. Thanks to the Nevada County Superintendent of Schools and First 5 Nevada County, these classes are available to all. The only cost is a $35 materials fee and $45 for a couple. We also have scholarships for those who need it.

Okay, as promised, here’s your Top Ten Reasons to Take Parenting Classes that I have heard from participants or otherwise observed.

1. It’s Fun

I’m not kidding. It IS fun to learn new strategies and exchange favorite tips with other parents.

2. To Get On The Same Page With My Parenting Partner

Whether you’re a mom and dad, two moms, or a grandparent and adult-child team, it’s so helpful when you and your parenting partner can create a strong alliance.

3. Free Pizza!

No joke. If you can make time for classes in your busy family schedule, we are happy to supply the pizza and childcare.

4. I’m A Grandparent And Could REALLY Use Some Fresh Ideas

It’s amazing how many grandparents are on the job raising children. Thank goodness for you, grandparents!

5. Date Night!

Okay, this may be a true act of desperation; however(!), parents do to get a chance to come to class together, sit next to each other, and even have some actual uninterrupted conversations.

6. My Kids Are Driving The Bus

Not the real bus. But a lot of parents feel like the children are more in charge than they are, and parents don’t know what to do about it.

7. To Learn To Set Firm and Healthy Limits

I do not jest. This can happen in your family too.

8. To Create Routines And Save Your Sanity

Remember sanity?

9. To Reconnect With Your Child And Feel Better About Yourself As A Parent

You CAN stop yelling and do more connecting. It does feel better.

10. To Hang Out With Other Adults While Your Children Play!

Did I mention we have childcare? 😉

 

Whatever is your top reason, feel free to give a call and we will get you signed up.

undifferentiated self

Undifferentiated Self

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This article is also published on The Couples Institute Couples Blog

Differentiation–What is it?

In the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model of Couples therapy, you may hear about differentiation—but what is it? This blog post includes the poem, “Undifferentiated Self”, which touches on differentiation. For those unfamiliar with this concept, here is a note of clarification to help people understand one aspect of the broader term. According to Couples Institute co-founder, Dr. Ellyn Bader, “self-differentiation is the capacity to go internal and notice and express one’s thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires without blame or criticism.” It takes maturity to interact in this way and it is not uncommon to struggle at times in this regard—especially in important relationships. In this piece, I describe the strong temptation to sometimes let go of self-differentiation and give into a lesser side. Also how it may be helpful to acknowledge this temptation, while not giving into it. Pushing one’s ability to tolerate and experience strong emotions and not let them take over, is a key for successful relationships.

 

Hello, Undifferentiated Self,

You are here today and would like to come on strong—rant and rave a bit; 

maybe throw your weight around. 

You know you are loved. And yet you want to be petty.

You know he gets caught in his patterns that have practically nothing to do with you. 

And yet you want to be angry.

A comment, a look, a sound, and you would like to be off and running. WHY?!

It is pointless! And so I stop. But the feelings remain; rumbling around inside me.

 Hah! I could change my mind at any second and be vicious! Ah, to fantasize about

all the ways to be evil! I would feel such a sense of glee, until I really hurt him.                                              

Then I would feel horrible and it wouldn’t even be worth it.

And so…I simmer.

 

Anger

I wrote this one day while angry at my spouse. There was no treasonous act or horrible insult. He was simply tired, but feeling he should do more for me. Rather than telling me so, he gave me the subtle but unmistakable impression that I am an enormous burden.

Low Road

The message radiating off of him really set me off. It was a moment of wanting to take the low road. This happens now and then to us humans. I wanted to give into my feelings, without any thinking. I wanted to make him responsible for my state of mind and say, “You MADE me feel irate!” The urge was so strong!

Thinking

But I also had my thinking. As a therapist who works with many couples trying to help them take the high road, I knew exactly what was going on. What a dilemma! I knew that he was, indeed, NOT responsible for my feelings. My feelings were something for me to experience and make sense of. If I then chose to talk with my husband after I had returned to my integrated adult self, I knew he would be willing to listen.

I took a walk and tried to settle down. Did some mindfulness practice. I made a partial recovery, and when my husband got home and gave me a look, I was angry all over again.

Reintegration

With a wicked little smile on my face, I sat down with my computer. I knew the moment I started writing that I was on the right track. Starting with the greeting to my undifferentiated self felt perfect. Yes, it was a regressed part of me that wanted to act out. Saying hello to this childish interloper broke the spell. Fully acknowledging this side of me that wanted to take the low road, while not allowing myself to do it, was at once satisfying and empowering. Paradoxically, by allowing my dark thoughts to flourish, I immediately found the humor in the situation and the light feeling that came with it. By imagining all of the ways a part of me wanted to act out, but not doing so, was oddly entertaining. The blustery anger seemed to evaporate. I really wasn’t that upset with my husband. This was more between me and me, and I was handling it.

Try This at Home…

When strong feelings bubble up and you want to lash out at your partner, stop instead and self-reflect. Walk away, take a few breaths, do some journaling; this might be the perfect time to get the kitchen floor scrubbed clean! While your feelings are activated, ask yourself what is going on. What is it exactly that you are telling yourself? It may or may not be true. It might be simply that you are annoyed with your partner, or there may be a theme that has been activated from your past. Exercising the discipline to discern your experience and not unload on your partner is a valuable practice, even though you may really, really want to! If you take the time to settle down and figure out what it is you are thinking and feeling, you can tell your partner at a later time in a better way.

TLC For Parents & Families

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This article was first published in the Parents’ Resource Guide 2018 Spring issue

Parents Are People Too!

“Parents are people too!” I remember blurting out this little gem years ago one time when I was feeling frustrated as a parent. I guess I felt like I was focused on caring for my daughter’s needs 24/7 and was wishing for a little TLC of my own. Of course, it wasn’t up to my child to recognize and meet my needs. It was my job to to do this for myself.

TLC In Parenting Workshops

And you know what? Parents do need some TLC now and then. Sometimes we are thriving. And sometimes we’re not. What I love the most about offering parenting workshops is that parents, grandparents and caregivers find enjoyment and support by sharing this journey with each other. There is that recognition—oh yeah, I’ve been there! That in itself, let’s parents be people with each other.

Adverse Childhood Experiences

As a part of my parenting workshops, I have started giving the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) questionnaire as a way for parents to privately check in on how they are doing personally. The ACEs survey resulted from a Kaiser study relating adult health and wellbeing to traumatic childhood events. As people, we are resilient and can heal from such events, but we need to give ourselves the time and space to do so. But first we have to recognize that we may have something to work out.

ACEs Survey – Prepare First

Anyone can access the ACEs survey by looking it up on line (https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/) If you would like to take it yourself, here are a few things to think about. If you have some ACEs, just remember you are not alone. That was one of the surprising findings of the Kaiser study—ACEs are common. If you take the assessment, make sure you have some time for yourself to process since it might bring up some strong emotions. Identify someone ahead of time that you can talk to about your answers in case you want support. Feeling that you have no one to talk to can feel lonely and alienating. Choose someone who is non-judgmental and a good listener; a friend, your spouse, or an extended family member. If you have no one to talk with or you realize you have some unhealed hurts to attend to, you may want to contact a therapist. If you don’t know how to find a therapist, you can dial 211 or contact PARTNERS Family Resource Centers. They will help you find what you are looking for.

Make Conscious What Is Unconscious

Exploring past issues can make conscious what is unconscious and help us live more fully in the present. The more we care for ourselves as people, the freer we are to connect with and delight in our children and in our own lives.

 

 

6 Steps To The Sweet Spot of Parenting

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Too hard or too soft? Many parents wonder if they are too strict or too lenient with their children. The truth is, there is so much research that helps answer the question about the sweet spot of parenting. Study after study shows that the best outcomes for children occur when parents are warm and responsive to feelings, balanced with healthy limits and structure. Below are some steps to help you along the way to finding the parenting sweet spot with your children.

  1. Take Delight

Even if you are in a rough patch and feeling frustrated as a parent, there are times when you can notice how amazing your children are…..enjoy! Stop and feel it; let them see your eyes shine with delight. They need to know that you not only love them, but also like who they are. And don’t forget to give snuggles and hugs for no particular reason!

  1. Notice The Positives

Be sure to pay attention to your children’s efforts. Acknowledge what is going well and how they are trying, even if it’s not everything you want wrapped up in a bow. Make these meaningful moments and use specific language so they know exactly what you are happy about.

  1. Set Clear Expectations

It often surprises parents what a difference it makes to be clear with expectations. When you firmly say what is going to happen, children can rest in that knowledge. “Okay, kids, we are on a mission to shop for Cousin Betsy’s birthday and we will not be buying any other toys today.” This works especially well when paired with step #4.

  1. If You Say It, Do It

Your word must be golden. If you don’t mean what you say, your words will fall on deaf ears. If you cave in when the children beg and plead for treats and toys when you said you were shopping for cousin Betsy, they won’t believe a word you say! Stick with what you said. It will be so much easier in the long run.

  1. Consequences, a Fact of Life

If children experience life in their households as living in a random universe, then why bother paying attention to what people say? Use brief consequences. Be consistent; let consequences fall where they may. If you protect your children from consequences, they will be more surprised and angry when one finally sticks.

  1. Create Routines

It’s so helpful to have routines! This is the structure that makes your job easier because routines create habits. If every night there’s bath, teeth brushing, stories, then lights out—it becomes the norm. This dovetails with the clear expectations of Step 3.  It’s so much easier to go along with what we expect will happen and what we do on a regular basis.

If you’ve been out of step with your parenting, don’t worry. Create a fresh start this New Year by practicing these steps to find your parenting sweet spot.

First written in the Parents’ Resource Guide Winter/2018 Edition

Stress-Free Valentine’s Day

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This article is also published on The Couples Institute Couples Blog

Less Stress & More Fun

Holidays can sometimes be stressful for couples—especially Valentine’s Day. One partner may be imagining something very specific to celebrate the day. The other partner may not have a clue of what that thing is. The result can be disappointment and confusion. Rather than hurt feelings and a Valentine’s Day gone sideways, take steps to create a relaxed and fun celebration with your beloved.

What Would Your Partner Like?

Take the stress out of Valentine’s Day by having a conversation about it. You can ask your sweetheart, “What do you think you might enjoy for Valentine’s Day?” Find out if they are hoping for a special gift. It might be a night on the town. Or a romantic couple’s night at home—and the children out with the Grandparents. Sometimes people think it kills the mood to talk about such things ahead of time. This doesn’t have to be the case at all. Keep it fun and light. The conversation can be an enjoyable preamble to the event itself.

What You Would Like?

On the other hand, if you are the one hoping your Valentine does something special for you, I heartily recommend letting them know. You can say, “Honey, would you happen to like to know what I would just love for Valentine’s Day?” If your partner says, “No”, then you have bigger problems than a stressful Valentine’s Day. (Did I mention that I am a couples therapist?!) Your partner will probably be relieved to find out what you would like. You can say whether you would love roses, chocolate, or the garden composted—whatever that thing is that you are wishing for. These conversations will increase the odds of having a great Valentine’s Day without thinking, why did he bring me chocolates, when all I wanted was for him to compost the garden! And him thinking, did she glare at me when I gave her that beautifully wrapped heart-shaped box?

Align Expectations & Reality

Problems often occur in relationships when expectations and reality are not matching up. So take the time to whisper your wishes in his ear or have some fun finding out what she would like. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by leaving it to mindreading. You can create that special Valentine’s Day you are hoping for when you both share your hearts’ desires.

 

Instill A Lifelong Joy of Giving

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Have you ever given someone a gift that you could hardly wait to be opened? It can be even more fun than receiving. Do you ever wonder how to instill a generous spirit in your children? Here is a story about the excitement of giving to others and some ideas on how to foster a lifelong joy of giving.

Fun For Them

Many years ago I was in on a secret surprise to give my dad the perfect gift. It was Father’s Day and my mom helped us four kids plot and plan. We pooled our allowances—mine was thirty cents a week at the time—and got my dad a golf hat. Now that I think about it, I see my mom must have kicked in a few dollars of her own.

The event was fun and exciting and we just knew my dad was going to love his present. We had a good celebration and finally it was time to open the gift. Did I mention my dad is a talker? Yes, he is. He had that gift on is lap for what seemed like an eternity and talked and talked. He wondered what it was. He made some guesses. Then he tried to remember what he received the last Father’s Day. Finally, I couldn’t take the suspense anymore and I blurted out, “Dad, open your golf hat!”

As you can imagine, neither of us has forgotten that moment and I still take some regular ribbing about it. That said, I spilled the beans because I was so dang excited for my dad to open that hat.

Pleasurable For You

One way you can help your children cultivate the excitement for giving is by allowing giving to be pleasurable for you. If the words, hassle, no-time, and pain-in the rear come to mind around holidays and gift giving, your children probably won’t capture the fun of it either. If instead you project a sense of delight when giving to others, your children will probably catch the magic of giving too.

Conspire Together

Another way to encourage a love of giving is to have fun wondering together what friends and family would enjoy receiving. For example, “What’s Mom’s favorite cake? Let’s make it and surprise her!”

Create Traditions

Creating special giving traditions can also make giving fun for children. Some good family friends always took each of their twin daughters Christmas shopping separately so the girls could buy for each other. These shopping missions were memory makers, and it was all about finding something wonderful for sister.

Giving is wonderful fun. Your children will catch the joy from you as you enjoy it yourself!

First written in the Parents’ Resource Guide Fall/Holiday 2017 Edition

Real Love For Real Relationships

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I recently saw a blog about “the middle stage” of love on the social media feed of a couple I know. The article was about appreciating your relationship during the stage past diapers and plodding through the middle childhood years and beyond. The wife posted about the piece and the husband had the chutzpah to publicly declare his love for his spouse, despite the expected “get a room” comments from others on the stream.

What is so great about the post is the acknowledgement that real love is not all roses all the time. Real love has highs and lows, miraculous moments, unexpected disappointments, and plenty of in between. Real love for real relationships is about growing up and learning to say, I can allow my partner to be human because, Lord knows I am! It doesn’t mean having low expectations, but it does mean giving up unrealistic expectations such as for example, that your spouse is going to magically do everything you want.

Real Tasks For Real Love

  1. Push & Pull

It may surprise you to know that your partner disagreeing with you is not tantamount to a betrayal. Disagreements are a part of a healthy relationship. Disagreements can even bring fresh energy into the marriage. As long as you work things out in civil fashion, differences can remind the two of you that you are separate individuals, entitled to your own opinions. A little push and pull means everyone is still awake and spunky in the relationship. And while, “yes, dear,” is nice to hear now and then, as a steady diet – bor-ring! Some push and pull will remind you that you haven’t merged into an amorphous blob as a couple. It will give you that little zing that keeps things interesting.

  1. United, Not Divided

Real love means sticking together when life gets tough. When things feel overwhelming and the only other adult standing there is your partner, it’s easy to think your woes are your partner’s fault. But sometimes life is hard. If instead you can join forces, it sure can feel good to have someone on your team when life is pummeling you. After a tough day at work, going home to a good hug is a lot nicer than going home to an empty house. Plus, not blaming each other will inspire so much more cooperation and teamwork.

  1. Attend To The Good Stuff

Psychologist, Rick Hanson says humans have a negativity bias. This is an adaptive tendency because if we ignore something that could be potentially dangerous, we are at risk of harm. If we ignore something positive, there is no actual threat, just a missed chance for joy. For example, if we simply enjoy the colorful fall leaves and ignore the snake shaped stick on the ground, it might actually turn out to be a snake! While lifesaving it may be, the negativity bias can play havoc in relationships. If you had a beautiful day with your sweetheart where they brought you flowers, made you dinner, gave you a foot massage, but forgot to pick up your dry cleaning, guess what you might be obsessing on? Remembering to relish and delight in the positives that fill your relationship is a real task for real love.

  1. Show Appreciation

In fact, let’s go over that again. Like the charming couple getting mushy on Facebook, drink in all that is good and tell each other how much you like it. Sing it from the rooftops! Well, maybe not, but most people are starving to be appreciated. Whether it’s the way he brings you your morning tea, or how she waits without complaint while you’re browsing endlessly in the bookstore, if you notice these little things that your partner does, you’ll see how much there is to appreciate. This is real love for real life.

  1. Date Night

You know how every marriage therapist says you should have date night? Yep, do it if you  possibly can. Or a date cup of coffee. Or date Cheerios after the kids have gone to bed. Okay, you don’t have to have food or beverages. Just try to find some time where you can remember that you are sweethearts.

Sustaining real love for real relationships is worth it. The other kind exists only in the movies.

 

Quality Time Counts

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What are your thoughts when it comes to quality time with your children? More for the to-do list? A pang of guilt? If so, allow me to introduce a more inspiring way to think of quality time.

Close your eyes and think back to when you were little. Do you have some distant memories of when an adult spent a few special moments with you? It could have been Mom or Dad, a grandparent, aunt, uncle or any other trusted adult. The key is that you shared some enjoyable time together. Usually the memories people have are very simple; reading with Mom, helping Grandma bake, wrestling and giggling, or going along to the hardware store. To this day, my husband loves remembering going to the dump with his dad. With quality time–it’s less about the activity and more about the quality of the interaction.

It’s Not Expensive or Time Consuming

Often parents think quality time is doing something extravagant and expensive, or that it has to be an all-day event. If you have the wherewithal for that, knock yourself out. But you don’t need any of that for quality time.

A favorite quality time memory from my childhood is my dad singing me a goodnight song. He would tuck me in and I’d feel warm and snuggly. “Day is done, gone the sun,” he would sing. I still have the sense memory of his voice rumbling in my ears. How safe and loved I felt as he sang, “All is well, safely rest…” Even today I feel a bit emotional when I remember that. How long did it take him to sing that song? 60 seconds? That was a supercharged 60 seconds of quality time and it laid a foundation in my relationship with my dad.

Skip The Guilt

Research from a longitudinal study printed in the April 2015, Journal of Marriage and Family reveals that children don’t need more time with their parents. What they do need is for parents to manage stress so they can tune in for moments of quality time. That means you can quit feeling stressed and guilty for not having more time with your children. Instead you can choose to lighten up and enjoy the moments you do have with them.

Here are a few simple steps for quality time:

  • Get yourself in a good mood
  • Allow yourself to be companionable
  • Be in the moment, and yes, put down your phone

As fall schedules rev up and it feels like there is less of you to go around, that’s okay. You can make use of the time you do have, and know it is enough. Remember, just a few minutes of quality time really does count.

First written in the Parents’ Resource Guide Summer 2017 Edition

effective parenting team

Create An Effective Parenting Team

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Get On The Same Page

“We want to get on the same page with our parenting,” is a phrase I hear from almost every couple taking my parenting workshops. This common aspiration is a challenge to manifest. Why is it so hard, and how do couples align their styles to create an effective parenting team? Psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, says, “Every marriage is a cross-cultural experience.” I love this statement because it indicates how each partner comes from a unique family that did things a certain way. Whether you loved it, hated it, or are indifferent, the way we grow up, just seems normal.

I remember celebrating Christmas with my husband’s family during the beginning of our relationship. His family passed out the gifts all at once. What?! In my family, we chose and opened one gift at a time. To me, it felt like my husband’s family was celebrating Christmas wrong! It’s a small thing, but it brought up strong feelings. That’s because when a couple gets together, they are are blending two separate family cultures, each with a myriad of customs, rituals and beliefs. When parenting styles enter the mix, it’s not surprising that parents often don’t see eye-to-eye and experience emotional discord.

It’s not just couples trying to get on the same page. Frequently, a single parent and grandparent try to create a parenting team. Maybe the parent is trying to make some changes from the way he or she was raised and is running into trouble with the elder generation who wants to keep things old-school.

Helpful Three-Step Process

So how do you become more aligned with your parenting partner? Here is a three step process that can help.

  1. Take time to talk about both perspectives and what is important about each. Make a commitment to spend time listening and asking questions about the other person’s point of view. Many times each partner’s sense of identity is wrapped up in these perspectives.
  2. Find something to value in your partner’s position. In what ways can you appreciate how you counterbalance each other?
  3. Agree how each of you can make a concession or two and move toward the other’s stance. Rather than polarizing the other by insisting you are 100 percent right, you can move to middle ground.

It feels good to be on the same team, especially when we know we need our A-game with our children or they will be running the show! Even if it feels a little strange to step out of your old way of doing things, it may be a whole lot better for your children and bring some happiness and harmony between you and your partner.

Originally printed in The Parents’ Resource Guide 25th Anniversary Edition as, Are You Two On The Same Page?