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Whereas the holidays typically have their share of domestic disputes, this year, couples have their work cut out for them due to a whole other layer of decision-making. With 45 California counties currently in the “Purple Tier” and the corresponding set of safety restrictions, it creates something to figure out together. Read my article in The Union to get some good ideas for a great holiday. You will find some especially helpful suggestions from Priya Parker, author of “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters,” 

Relationship counseling is for people who want to improve their relationships. Sometimes it’s called relationship therapy, couples therapy or marriage counseling. It is for married people or others in long-term relationships, whether they are heterosexual or same-sex partners.

Why Relationships Break Down

Often people find that after the initial “honeymoon period,” where the relationship feels almost effortless, things can become more difficult. This is perfectly normal and indicates that the couple is moving into a new phase of the relationship. Whereas during the honeymoon period, the couple focused on creating a strong bond, the next relationship phase encompasses each partner finding ways to bring their own individual preferences into the relationship. The couple begins making room for the “you” and “me” in the “we” of being together. This is not easy!

How Relationship Counseling Can Help

Often, people don’t realize why the relationship begins to feel harder than it used to be. They might think, “you changed!” or “maybe we aren’t meant for each other after all!” People can become anxious and upset. This, in itself, creates upheaval in the relationship. This is one of the times people tend to seek therapy. A good relationship therapist can help the couple understand and normalize what is happening so they can settle down. As they learn to settle down, they can roll up their sleeves and do the work of learning to navigate their differences.

How Relationship Troubles Can Happen

Here’s an example so you can see exactly how relationship troubles begin and how it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. When two people meet and fall for each other, they are highly motivated to make sacrifices to be together as one. Awash in dopamine in the ventral tegmental area of the brain, falling in love gives a seemingly endless supply of new relationship energy (NRE), and nothing seems too difficult.

For example, if one partner loves Hawaiian vacations and the other prefers camping, each will likely be more inclined to bend toward the other.  You might hear, “I’ve never gone camping and I’ve wondered how I would like it. Let’s do it!” They might think, “My partner is so wonderful. Anything is fun when we’re together!”

‘It’s All-Good-All-The-Time’ Won’t Last

This kind of thinking is classic honeymoon stage. The emphasis is on “we.” When we are together, it’s all good! It’s wonderfully enjoyable for everyone involved. However, it won’t last. It won’t last because as the couple emerges from the bliss of the honeymoon stage, they begin to remember things like, “Hold on, wait a minute, I hate camping!” They might even think, “My partner always makes me go camping!” What might really be happening is a failure of speaking up due to the honeymoon haze.

Another Year, Another Resentment

Sometimes people go for years without resolving their differences; by never learning how to address the typical conflicts of everyday life, the couple resorts to either fighting or avoiding talking about sensitive topics. With each passing year, hurt feelings and resentments pile up. When this happens, couples can feel uncared for and distant. It leaves the sense that “we can’t communicate!” Because there are so many unresolved hurts and resentments, it can be confusing to know what is even going on. This is another time people call for therapy. It can be an almost last-ditch effort where they believe that reconnecting is practically impossible. Though it can feel impossible, it isn’t. What matters most is a willingness and dedication to learn new ways of being together.

Reasons To Seek Relationship Counseling

There are other reasons people come to relationship counseling. Some of these reasons are as follows: healing the painful hurt after the discovery of an affair; coping with a life tragedy, such as an accident or significant illness; to address an unsatisfying sex life, such as in the case of sexual desire discrepancy; fighting endlessly about money, substance abuse, parenting or other issues that the couple just can’t seem to solve on their own.  

How Often Do We Meet?

Regardless of exactly why people seek relationship counseling, the way it works is to meet with the therapist in person or online sessions. Meetings are typically once per week or every other week. After things improve, meetings tend to move to once a month or even less frequently to check-in to make sure things are staying on track. 

How Long Are Sessions?

Sessions are typically either 55-minutes or 1 hour and 25 minutes long. Some therapists offer what is called “intensives,” where the couple meets with the therapist for an extended period of time. Intensives typically last a full day or an entire weekend. Not every relationship therapist offers this service, so it is something to inquire about if this is what you feel would most benefit your relationship.

Is Relationship Therapy Uncomfortable?

Many people feel slightly anxious when they attend their first session of relationship counseling. Usually people begin feeling more relaxed very quickly when they realize the therapist is there to help as an ally to the relationship. Although a good therapist will challenge each partner to look at their own side of improving the relational dynamic, therapists are trained to show sensitivity and kindness.

Choose An Expert To Help You

If you would like to work on your relationship, couples therapy is an excellent way to get help. When you call for services, be sure to ask if the therapist has specific training and experience working with couples. It is a specialty of counseling, and not every therapist has this expertise. Although you and your partner must be open and willing to do the work, you will want a therapist who has a clear roadmap of couples therapy and the skills to guide you along the way to building a strong and healthy relationship.

First published in The Union on March 30, 2020

There are some anecdotal reports that in parts of China the divorce rate is rising. According to an article in The New Yorker this month, there was a spike in petitions for divorce in Xi’an, the capital of the Shaanxi Province, where more than ten million people were under quarantine for two months in response to the novel coronavirus. Now that the country is regaining its normalcy, the Chinese social media platform, Weibo, has been abuzz that divorce is the first industry to rebound.  

Uh oh.

Potential Upsurge In Divorce?

With millions of U.S. citizens now under self-quarantine, does this mean our eventual recovery will also include an uptick in divorces? If absence makes the heart grow fonder, marriage under quarantine presents its challenges.

We are all under stress. There are worries about fragile immune systems; concerns for aging parents; economic hardships; faltering businesses; working from home; restless children underfoot; feeling anxious and distracted; not to mention longing for our normal routines and in-person social contact.

And who is the usual recipient of each other’s rising stress? You got it, your beloved.

COVID-19 Relationship Stressors

On top of the regular things couples gripe at each other about, now there are a host of new things. “Did you wash your hands for 20 seconds?” “Did you use the sanitizer with 60% alcohol?” Or, “Seriously, more canned goods?”

My husband came home beaming last week after he had hauled in several large cans of some sort of pulverized spinach and protein product and additional bags of beans. I was less than enthusiastic. He said the shelves were bare at the store. True. And he felt like he had brought down a “woolly mammoth” to feed us. I said, “Okay, but how many woolly mammoths do we need?” (On the other hand, I was adequately thrilled when he hunted down a container of Clorox wipes.)

We are sheltered in place with the likes of each other. Could we have imagined all this when we gave our vows for better or worse? In sickness AND in quarantine?

Before you decide that your spouse is the problem, just remember, this forced togetherness can be intense for all of us; even those that usually like each other a bunch.

Here are some ideas to help you and yours get through the long days of self-quarantine while leaving your marriage intact.

Cut Each Other Some Slack in the Relationship

We all need to give some slack. The cross word; the hint of sarcasm; let it go. Even if it’s a mantra you must mumble to yourself to keep the other words from popping out of your mouth. “Cut some slack, cut some slack,” can come in handy.

Find Things to do Together as a Couple

Check out this blog post with 75 creative ideas for spending time together. It’s called, Ways For Couples To Connect During Sheltering In Place, by Marriage and Family Therapist, Stacy Lee.

Take space from each other

Take a sabbatical to the other end of the house. Have some alone time and see if your heart will grow fonder.

Touch

Whether it’s affection or sex, get those good hormones flowing.

Humor

If you don’t laugh you’ll cry. And there is a lot to, shall we say, laugh about.

Socialize while social distancing

Get your Bunco game, book club, or socializing on video chat. Take a walk “with” your best friend by catching up on the phone while you walk.

Limit the news

We know this.  

Unresolved Issues May Surface in the relationship

During all the stress and intense time together, unresolved issues in the marriage may surface. No need to despair. This could be a wake-up call that your relationship needs some attention. Attention, you can give it. Professional couples therapy can help. Many therapists offer online therapy if you want to get that support right away, while tucked safely in your own home.

Keep Perspective

We’re going to make it through this, get out of the house again, and life will get back to being richly interactive. When you look back, you’ll want to remember how you and your spouse pulled through it together.