Happy holidays in the purple tier

Making the Holidays Happy In the Purple Tier

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Whereas the holidays typically have their share of domestic disputes, this year, couples have their work cut out for them due to a whole other layer of decision-making. With 45 California counties currently in the “Purple Tier” and the corresponding set of safety restrictions, it creates something to figure out together. Read my article in The Union to get some good ideas for a great holiday. You will find some especially helpful suggestions from Priya Parker, author of “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters,” 

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relationship check-ins

Relationship Check-Ins and Why They Matter

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When was the last time you checked in with your spouse or partner? Does it even matter? Relationship check-ins do matter, and for so many reasons. Read the rest of this article in The Union to find out why.

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Red and blue couples

State of the Union: Red and Blue Couples

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You know that great old Etta James song called “At Last”? The lyric says, “At last my love has come along. My lonely days are over and life is like a song.”

Now picture that perfect scenario of love and then think…record scratch sound effect, “But you’re a Liberal!” Or on the other side, “You’re a Conservative! How could you?” Such is the case for many couples that believe they have found their soul mate and then realize they have profound political differences. Is it time to break up, or is there a way to get along and create a more perfect union?

You can read this whole article in The Union to get some ideas on how to deal with political differences.

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relationship counseling

What is Relationship Counseling and How Does it work?

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Relationship counseling is for people who want to improve their relationships. Sometimes it’s called relationship therapy, couples therapy or marriage counseling. It is for married people or others in long-term relationships, whether they are heterosexual or same-sex partners.

Why Relationships Break Down

Often people find that after the initial “honeymoon period,” where the relationship feels almost effortless, things can become more difficult. This is perfectly normal and indicates that the couple is moving into a new phase of the relationship. Whereas during the honeymoon period, the couple focused on creating a strong bond, the next relationship phase encompasses each partner finding ways to bring their own individual preferences into the relationship. The couple begins making room for the “you” and “me” in the “we” of being together. This is not easy!

How Relationship Counseling Can Help

Often, people don’t realize why the relationship begins to feel harder than it used to be. They might think, “you changed!” or “maybe we aren’t meant for each other after all!” People can become anxious and upset. This, in itself, creates upheaval in the relationship. This is one of the times people tend to seek therapy. A good relationship therapist can help the couple understand and normalize what is happening so they can settle down. As they learn to settle down, they can roll up their sleeves and do the work of learning to navigate their differences.

How Relationship Troubles Can Happen

Here’s an example so you can see exactly how relationship troubles begin and how it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. When two people meet and fall for each other, they are highly motivated to make sacrifices to be together as one. Awash in dopamine in the ventral tegmental area of the brain, falling in love gives a seemingly endless supply of new relationship energy (NRE), and nothing seems too difficult.

For example, if one partner loves Hawaiian vacations and the other prefers camping, each will likely be more inclined to bend toward the other.  You might hear, “I’ve never gone camping and I’ve wondered how I would like it. Let’s do it!” They might think, “My partner is so wonderful. Anything is fun when we’re together!”

‘It’s All-Good-All-The-Time’ Won’t Last

This kind of thinking is classic honeymoon stage. The emphasis is on “we.” When we are together, it’s all good! It’s wonderfully enjoyable for everyone involved. However, it won’t last. It won’t last because as the couple emerges from the bliss of the honeymoon stage, they begin to remember things like, “Hold on, wait a minute, I hate camping!” They might even think, “My partner always makes me go camping!” What might really be happening is a failure of speaking up due to the honeymoon haze.

Another Year, Another Resentment

Sometimes people go for years without resolving their differences; by never learning how to address the typical conflicts of everyday life, the couple resorts to either fighting or avoiding talking about sensitive topics. With each passing year, hurt feelings and resentments pile up. When this happens, couples can feel uncared for and distant. It leaves the sense that “we can’t communicate!” Because there are so many unresolved hurts and resentments, it can be confusing to know what is even going on. This is another time people call for therapy. It can be an almost last-ditch effort where they believe that reconnecting is practically impossible. Though it can feel impossible, it isn’t. What matters most is a willingness and dedication to learn new ways of being together.

Reasons To Seek Relationship Counseling

There are other reasons people come to relationship counseling. Some of these reasons are as follows: healing the painful hurt after the discovery of an affair; coping with a life tragedy, such as an accident or significant illness; to address an unsatisfying sex life, such as in the case of sexual desire discrepancy; fighting endlessly about money, substance abuse, parenting or other issues that the couple just can’t seem to solve on their own.  

How Often Do We Meet?

Regardless of exactly why people seek relationship counseling, the way it works is to meet with the therapist in person or online sessions. Meetings are typically once per week or every other week. After things improve, meetings tend to move to once a month or even less frequently to check-in to make sure things are staying on track. 

How Long Are Sessions?

Sessions are typically either 55-minutes or 1 hour and 25 minutes long. Some therapists offer what is called “intensives,” where the couple meets with the therapist for an extended period of time. Intensives typically last a full day or an entire weekend. Not every relationship therapist offers this service, so it is something to inquire about if this is what you feel would most benefit your relationship.

Is Relationship Therapy Uncomfortable?

Many people feel slightly anxious when they attend their first session of relationship counseling. Usually people begin feeling more relaxed very quickly when they realize the therapist is there to help as an ally to the relationship. Although a good therapist will challenge each partner to look at their own side of improving the relational dynamic, therapists are trained to show sensitivity and kindness.

Choose An Expert To Help You

If you would like to work on your relationship, couples therapy is an excellent way to get help. When you call for services, be sure to ask if the therapist has specific training and experience working with couples. It is a specialty of counseling, and not every therapist has this expertise. Although you and your partner must be open and willing to do the work, you will want a therapist who has a clear roadmap of couples therapy and the skills to guide you along the way to building a strong and healthy relationship.

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We can't communicate

‘We Can’t Communicate!’ The Common Cold of Couples Therapy

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“We can’t communicate!” is what I most often hear when I pick up the phone to respond to a request for couples therapy.  If you’ve ever felt this way, don’t worry, you’re in good company. Most couple’s therapists will nod their heads in agreement that this is one of the most common presenting problems. The real question is, why does it so often feel like communication is breaking down, and what can you do about it?

To continue this article and get some great ideas for communicating well, please click this link to The Union.

For more ways to connect with your partner, you may like to check out What Is Your Love Language?

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social distancing

The Unexpected Intimacies of Social Distancing

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Have you noticed how people are finding ways to connect during the stay at home orders? Zoom happy hour parties, drive-by birthday cheers, chalk messages on the sidewalk. Or saying thanks to essential workers with clangs of pots and pans. There are so many creative avenues that people have found to reach out, show kindness and share in each other’s special life moments.  

Please continue reading this article on TheUnion.com to see how unexpected intimacies have emerged as people are bringing out the best in themselves to deal with the coronavirus pandemic.

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marriage under quarantine

Marriage Under Quarantine

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First published in The Union on March 30, 2020

There are some anecdotal reports that in parts of China the divorce rate is rising. According to an article in The New Yorker this month, there was a spike in petitions for divorce in Xi’an, the capital of the Shaanxi Province, where more than ten million people were under quarantine for two months in response to the novel coronavirus. Now that the country is regaining its normalcy, the Chinese social media platform, Weibo, has been abuzz that divorce is the first industry to rebound.  

Uh oh.

Potential Upsurge In Divorce?

With millions of U.S. citizens now under self-quarantine, does this mean our eventual recovery will also include an uptick in divorces? If absence makes the heart grow fonder, marriage under quarantine presents its challenges.

We are all under stress. There are worries about fragile immune systems; concerns for aging parents; economic hardships; faltering businesses; working from home; restless children underfoot; feeling anxious and distracted; not to mention longing for our normal routines and in-person social contact.

And who is the usual recipient of each other’s rising stress? You got it, your beloved.

COVID-19 Relationship Stressors

On top of the regular things couples gripe at each other about, now there are a host of new things. “Did you wash your hands for 20 seconds?” “Did you use the sanitizer with 60% alcohol?” Or, “Seriously, more canned goods?”

My husband came home beaming last week after he had hauled in several large cans of some sort of pulverized spinach and protein product and additional bags of beans. I was less than enthusiastic. He said the shelves were bare at the store. True. And he felt like he had brought down a “woolly mammoth” to feed us. I said, “Okay, but how many woolly mammoths do we need?” (On the other hand, I was adequately thrilled when he hunted down a container of Clorox wipes.)

We are sheltered in place with the likes of each other. Could we have imagined all this when we gave our vows for better or worse? In sickness AND in quarantine?

Before you decide that your spouse is the problem, just remember, this forced togetherness can be intense for all of us; even those that usually like each other a bunch.

Here are some ideas to help you and yours get through the long days of self-quarantine while leaving your marriage intact.

Cut Each Other Some Slack in the Relationship

We all need to give some slack. The cross word; the hint of sarcasm; let it go. Even if it’s a mantra you must mumble to yourself to keep the other words from popping out of your mouth. “Cut some slack, cut some slack,” can come in handy.

Find Things to do Together as a Couple

Check out this blog post with 75 creative ideas for spending time together. It’s called, Ways For Couples To Connect During Sheltering In Place, by Marriage and Family Therapist, Stacy Lee.

Take space from each other

Take a sabbatical to the other end of the house. Have some alone time and see if your heart will grow fonder.

Touch

Whether it’s affection or sex, get those good hormones flowing.

Humor

If you don’t laugh you’ll cry. And there is a lot to, shall we say, laugh about.

Socialize while social distancing

Get your Bunco game, book club, or socializing on video chat. Take a walk “with” your best friend by catching up on the phone while you walk.

Limit the news

We know this.  

Unresolved Issues May Surface in the relationship

During all the stress and intense time together, unresolved issues in the marriage may surface. No need to despair. This could be a wake-up call that your relationship needs some attention. Attention, you can give it. Professional couples therapy can help. Many therapists offer online therapy if you want to get that support right away, while tucked safely in your own home.

Keep Perspective

We’re going to make it through this, get out of the house again, and life will get back to being richly interactive. When you look back, you’ll want to remember how you and your spouse pulled through it together.

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love languages

What Is Your Love Language?

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First published in The Union on March 3, 2020

Has it ever dawned on you that your partner may not experience love the same way you do? If you have been together a while, you may have figured this out by now. Lest there be any doubt, a great question to ask your partner is, what’s your love language? 

When you ask about love languages, you might get a deer in the headlights look, so be prepared to explain what you mean. The term “love language” is a phrase first coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book called The Five Love Languages. In the book, Dr. Chapman describes how he realized that the clients in his marriage counseling practice were often at odds in their relationships not because they didn’t love each other or weren’t trying, but because they expressed and experienced love for each other differently. It was as if they were speaking different languages. 

Chapman put these eye-opening concepts into his book for people around the globe. Since that time he has sold millions of copies and helped a lot of relationships, one aha moment at a time.

Love Languages for Couples

So what are the five languages of love? Here is a description of each to help you figure out what are your favorites and also so you can discover which ones make your partner feel especially cared for. 

Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation acknowledge effort, deeds, and accomplishments. It could be words like, “I’m proud of the way you handled the situation”, or “your help made all the difference”, or even words of praise such as, “you look amazing tonight!” For the person that thrives on this love language, remember to use words of appreciation to fill their cup. 

Quality Time

Quality time is about spending uninterrupted time together enjoying each other’s company. I highly recommend putting your phone aside if this is your partner’s favorite love language. Carving time out of your busy schedules to have date night, morning coffee, or an activity together, such as a bike ride, are ways to say I love you with quality time.

Gifts

When a person’s favorite love language is gifts, it doesn’t mean that the person is materialistic. Receiving gifts is special to the person because they feel that their loved one was keeping them in mind. When returning from a trip, or even, just because, giving a small gift or picking up fresh flowers really lets them know you care. Also, be sure to remember birthdays and other special occasions if your partner’s favorite love language is gifts.

Acts of Service

Acts of service is about practical ways of giving help. For example, “Hey honey, let me grab the groceries and you can sit and relax.” Or knocking out some extra chores that you know your partner will want done is another great way to say I love you. Even though it may seem unromantic to you if this is not your love language, think in terms of practical to-dos if your partner feels loved by acts of service. Haven’t you ever heard how, for some people, cleaning the kitchen is a wonderful form of foreplay?

Physical Affection

Some people feel most loved by the language of touch. This can include displays of affection as well as sexual intimacy. Holding hands, a hug or sexual activities say, I love you, for the person whose favorite love language is physical affection. Even small gestures such as sitting close, holding hands, or a welcome home kiss can go a long way to let your partner feel your love. If this is your partner’s favorite, take your time and don’t rush past these acts of connection. 

Love Lost In Translation 

Now that you understand how people have different ways of experiencing love, can you see how things can get confusing when people in relationships don’t know the answer to, “What is your love language?” For example, say you are feeling loving and move in for a hug because physical affection is your love language. But your partner walks right past your open arms and gives you a scowl. As it turns out, you never emptied the overflowing trash and acts of service is your partner’s love language. Or, perhaps you forgot to pick up the flowers your spouse keeps hinting at. Instead, you suggest you spend quality time together and go hear some music. She turns you down flat and goes to bed early.

A Beautiful Friendship

In each of the above scenarios, feelings get bruised and often no one knows why. Someone is giving and it’s not being received. After a while, partners stop giving and things really start to break down. Instead, people can begin to “speak” each other’s favorite love language and they can reawaken the spark. Paraphrasing Rick in the classic movie, Casablanca, this could bring about a new beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

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Best Valentine's Day couple

Best Valentine’s Day; How To Stay in Sync With Yours Truly

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First published in The Union on February 3rd 2020

Do you ever wonder, what should I get my sweetheart for Valentine’s Day? Or did you ever get the “wrong thing”, which you later realized by your spouse’s chilly reaction to your gift? Perhaps you have forgotten about this holiday, only to later discover that St. Valentine mattered more than you ever imagined. Okay sure, these are first world problems, but Valentine’s Day can create some pressure to get it right.

Unspoken Relationship Expectations

Unspoken expectations don’t only relate to Valentine’s Day, but also apply to other holidays such as birthdays and anniversaries. People place meaning on the behaviors of their spouse or significant other and tender feelings can accidentally get hurt. “You forgot our anniversary, don’t you love me anymore?” “I wanted flowers for my birthday, don’t you care?” “Chocolates? You know I’m trying to stay away from sugar!”

Holiday Angst

This can create a bit of angst for people trying to figure out how to create a lovely surprise for a special day. Not to mention the Hallmark images and sales ads that start flooding in. It can leave a person at a loss. Should I listen to the jewelry ads—‘Diamonds are forever’? Would cubic zirconia suffice? Maybe I should be safe and go with red roses. Hold on…doesn’t she like peonies? Or was it ponies? Even Oprah is complaining across the airwaves that Steadman needs to step it up this Valentine’s Day. Good luck, guy; pressure’s on!

It’s Different For Everyone

So with all of these holiday booby traps, how do you have the best Valentine’s Day ever? Well, there is not a one-size-fits-all Valentine’s Day gift that will work for everyone every time. But first, it starts with figuring out for yourself what the holiday means to you. Think through how you would like to celebrate as well as what sounds fun to your partner.

Relationship Communication Counts

As any good couples therapist will tell you, communication counts. Sometimes people think it’s not meaningful if they tell their partner what they want. Not true! It can be fun and amazing to say what you want, then receive it. You can have fun thinking about a nice way to celebrate. Couple’s massage? Dinner out—no kids? A day snowshoeing? On the other hand, if you are someone that wants to be surprised, say that, and remember anything goes. Also, maybe you are the person who doesn’t care about such things. That’s okay too. But you might want to check in with your partner and see if they feel the same.

A Wish List Can Help

I recently heard about a lady receiving Dr. Scholl arch supports for Valentine’s Day. As you can imagine, this did not go over well! After that, she created a “wish list” that her husband could look at and choose from, so they both were sure to enjoy the holiday. This way if your partner is a practical sort of person, they can be steered away from things like orthotics, teeth whitening kits, or a back scratcher.

Best Valentine’s Days come from creating best relationships. This happens through knowing yourselves and each other well and celebrating all that you are to each other.

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Relationship Resolutions

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First published in The Union on January 6, 2020

It’s a New Year and decade! Time to reflect on what’s going well and what changes you would like to make. This applies to life goals, as well as how you may want to fine-tune your relationship. Are you and your partner having enough fun together? Whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears now and then? Are you remembering the blessings your partner adds to your life, or are you taking each other for granted?

If you are feeling a little humdrum in your relationship, it is possible to sparkle things up. You don’t need a trip to the Mykonos, a brow lift, or even a tummy tuck to refresh things with your sweetheart. It just takes a little thought about what you want to create and some resolve to do it. Here are a few ideas that might help.

Keep In Touch With Yourself

First of all, are you feeling excited about your own life? Someone I know once said, “I’m feeling ‘blah’ about my partner. My relationship feels sort of…meh.” I said, “Are you feeling excited about yourself?” They paused and said, “Uh…no.” I said, “How about starting there?” You can’t expect your partner to fill you up with enthusiasm when your zest for life is in the toilet. The New Year is a good time to think about how you might like to invigorate your life. How about trying something totally new? What sounds appealing? Tai Chi at sunrise? Ecstatic Dance? Bird Watching? Hey, you only live once; what do you think would light you up?

Autonomous Change

If you would like your relationship to feel different, you don’t have to wait for your partner to change. Just like Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” If you want your relationship to feel more upbeat, be upbeat. If you want it to be more loving, act more loving. I remember one time when my husband and I were in the doldrums; I thought to myself, “He used to be so funny. What happened?” The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn’t laughing at his bits of humor the way I used to. He responded by making less of an effort. Once I started laughing at his silly antics and jokes again, poof—he brought the funny back!

It is freeing to realize you can make autonomous changes. Decide how you want to be and do it. You can create that thing you want and don’t have to wait for your partner. You might be surprised at how your actions create positive energy that your partner might catch onto. If they don’t, you will have the satisfaction of living the way you want. If things don’t change, you can have a conversation about it.

Keep In Touch With Your Partner

Life gets busy and we all know that. If you and your spouse don’t carve out time to sit and talk about what is important, it often doesn’t happen. Plan time to check-in. During those discussions, you can share what you are appreciating about your lives together. You can plan activities that you both enjoy. You can discuss the things that bother each of you, so negative emotions don’t build up and cover over the positive feelings you have for each other. Dealing with your emotions will keep things feeling fresh. 

You don’t have to wait for a new year to change the status quo. If you want to get into a nice flow with each other in the New Year and beyond, resolve to attend to your relationship and make it your best decade yet.

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