Couple holiday

Keep The Couple-Connection Throughout the Holidays

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First published in The Union on December 3, 2019

Whether you’re just beginning to create holiday traditions or you’ve been having turkey dinners with the in-laws for years, the holidays can bring up challenges for couples. Of course, not everyone celebrates the holidays, but for couples that do, it’s helpful to anticipate the season together.

Holiday Whirlwind

Many questions arise such as, how and where to celebrate, and who gets to decide? Will you travel to your relatives? If so, which side of the family will you visit? Or do you want to stay home this year? It may seem that the holidays come and sweep you up in a whirlwind of activities that you don’t necessarily enjoy. Couples can easily lose track of each other during the hustle-bustle. You may even wish to raise an opposing view on a current tradition, but you don’t know how to do it without getting into an argument or hurting your spouse’s feelings. On the other hand, if you’re a young couple, just starting out, you might be wondering what traditions you want to create and how to make it a joint project.

Figure Out What’s Important

Recently I heard a friend say, “I hate the holidays because I run around doing what everyone else wants me to do!” She followed up with, “I want to have time to hang out with my family and just be.”  After hearing that, I thought to myself, hey, this is entirely possible. I guess it’s a matter of sitting down and thinking about what is important and what you want to create, then discussing it with your partner. Oh, and one more thing, you will likely have to give up the part about keeping everyone happy—but that’s a topic for another column.

Pick and Choose Connection

You don’t have to decorate the house to the hilt. You can gather some cedar boughs and call it good. Holiday cards are entirely optional. Baking…what sounds fun? Skip the rest. Gift giving to everyone you know—um, hello, not necessary, unless you love to do it. Sit down with your spouse and set your intentions for the season. What things bring you joy? Which things feel like a meaningless time suck? What are a few things you can do to stay connected with each other?

Create Your Holiday Season Together as a Couple

Yes, it’s the Season of Giving, but that doesn’t mean giving up your soul and your sanity. Make some eggnog and sit down as a couple with your calendars and keep the following in mind:  

  •  Discuss the holiday season that each of you wants to create. What is important? Remember, you don’t have to celebrate the holiday on the exact day of the holiday. My extended family often celebrates Thanksgiving, with plenty of gusto, the day after to accommodate everyone’s travel schedules and other Thanksgiving plans. Try to be creative and flexible to include things that are important to you both.
  • See if you can create some fun traditions just for you as a couple to keep a strong connection during the holidays. One couple I know shared the tradition of a romantic crab dinner and champagne on Christmas Eve after tucking the children into bed. This was a special holiday tradition just for them. There could be annual ski date; a (naughty) holiday nighty and PJs tradition; Victorian and/or Cornish Christmas excursion; volunteering together for a greater cause; Twelve Days of Gratitude notes; cuddling on the couch watching a favorite holiday movie. What else can you imagine that would be fun?
  •  I like the saying, “Happiness equals reality minus expectations”, especially for the holidays. Yes, it can be a special day, but it will most likely not fulfill your every wildest dream. There will be other special days. If you don’t get everything you want (and you probably won’t) don’t worry. Practice gratitude for what is enjoyable. There will be other celebrations.

Whether your holiday festivities are near or far from home this year, you can set your intentions to stay connected, as a couple, and create the merriest season ever for the two of you to share in together. 

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couple coping with adversity

Generator, Cheaper Than Divorce

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First published in The Union, November 5, 2019

I had to smile the other day when I saw a neighborhood post that said, “Honey, a generator is cheaper than a divorce.” With a touch of humor, that said it all regarding the mounting tensions going on between couples in households across California.

The power outages have been tough, don’t we all know it. The threat of fire is so nerve-wracking especially during periods of high winds. It’s stressful to live with the uncertainty of when and for how long the power will be out. The absence of normalcy is exhausting, and it is enough to put everyone on edge. 

It’s easy to let relationships slide when stress creeps in. Here are some of the outage priorities I’ve seen: 

  • Safety plan, check. 
  • Batteries, check. 
  • Flashlight and radio. Yep. 
  • Download favorite shows onto tablet, double-check. 
  • Sense of humor with spouse, half-check. 
  • Patience with one-and-the-same, ahem…skip.

When your stress level goes up and your resources are depleted—hello, power outages— you have fewer resources to meet the surmounting challenges. It’s easy to snap, especially at the ones who tend to stick by you no matter what. “Hey, quit opening the fridge!” “Could you PLEASE remember to gas up the car?” “Why ON EARTH didn’t you pick up coffee on the store run?” “What…you didn’t recharge the cellphone?” 

It’s hard not to let relationship manners fall to the bottom of the list during all the chaos. Before you know it, it can breed some hurt feelings and a sense of alienation. So how do you manage the irritability with yours truly, with or without a generator?

Set Your Intentions 

How do you want to be? Set your intentions because intentions affect behavior. If you set your mind to it, you can actually be nice. True story. You can treat the most important person in the world to you like, oh I dunno, the most important person in the world. Or at least as well as you’d treat your friends and acquaintances.

Try a Little Tenderness

Try some appreciation. A little gratitude can help you bolster each other and let everyone know you are noticing what is going right, not just what is going wrong. Go ahead and lay it on thick. It really can lift the mood. “You picked up chicken soup—yay!” “You swept up the (masses of) pine needles and I can now see our front walkway!” “You’ve got the kids working on an art project—cool.” A little tenderness can help everyone feel like their efforts are valued, despite the onerous situation. 

Get Back On Track as a Couple

You (and your dear spouse) are bound to blow it once in a while and get cranky. That’s okay; just get back on track. Show a little grace for your partner, or yourself, and move on.

How many generator stories have you heard? I’ve heard lots. There will be more to come before we are through with all of this. But, with a little thought and attention, generator or not, you can keep your marital discord at a minimum.

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A Precious Gift For Children

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Originally published in the Parents’ Resource Guide, Fall/Holiday Issue 2019

What is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children? Hint: it’s not Disneyland. Once you make a family, how you relate with your spouse or partner will not only affect you as a couple but also your little creations. Scary, huh? Strong and happy adult relationships are a precious gift for your children. You may be more motivated than ever to take a look at how you interact in your relationship when you remember what a big impact it has on your kids. 

Little Eyes Are Watching

Even if you are a single parent, your children are watching you interact in other important adult relationships; your mom, your friends, or your child’s other parent, for instance. Take a minute to self-assess. Do you raise your voice? or use “the silent treatment” to communicate? Perhaps you employ a bit of passive-aggressive strategy to get your point across. Noticing how you show up in your adult relationships and committing to positive communication will help you model the behavior you want your children to see. Better yet, you will become the partner and parent you want to be.  What better way to give your children a good start in life than to create a secure and loving home?

Bolster Your Efforts

You will find help to bolster your efforts to create strong relationships by reading And Baby Makes Three by renowned couples researchers and psychologists, Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The book applies decades of research about what it takes to stay happily married and helps parents apply this information while negotiating the challenges of life with small children. Less couple-time, more chores and responsibilities, and lack of sleep (ugh!). This all takes a toll on the couple. Both parents may be working harder than ever, and yet feeling less appreciated.  Sometimes couples turn against each other when the going gets tough and begin growing apart.  

But wait…

…there is so much a couple can do to stay strong and preserve their connection! The Gottman’s nifty little book is packed with good ideas and exercises to guide the way. Here are some of their suggestions to get you started. 

  • Bring up issues that bother you using “soft start-up”, meaning use a respectful style, rather than going on the attack.
  • Cool down conflicts by listening to your partner’s point of view.
  • Avoid “The Four Horsemen”- criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – like the plague! Gottman’s longitudinal research reveals these four as relationship destroyers.
  • Create couple-time and nurture the bond between you and your sweetheart.

ŸŸIs the above hard to do? Yes, and absolutely worthwhile. Taking care of your relationship IS taking care of your children and is a precious gift.

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happy retired couple

We’re Retired Dear, Now What?

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First published in The Union on October 1, 2019

Golden Years, Here We Come

The day has finally come. You’ve collected your final paycheck. You’ve shed a few tears saying good-bye to your colleagues. Your post-retirement income is all figured out (you hope). At long last, it’s time to launch into the Golden Years. For some people, it’s smooth sailing. They know exactly how they will spend their time and mesh their life with their life-partner. For others, a feeling of dread starts to creep in. Who am I, now that I am retired? What am I going to do with my time and how much of that time exactly will I be spending with my spouse? What if we have little to talk about? On the other hand, what if my dear spouse won’t stop talking?! 

A Lot of Wisdom, But…

There is a lot of wisdom out there for retiring folks to stay happy and productive. Find a hobby. Get involved in community service. Turn off the TV and get to the gym. Don’t isolate; get out and be social. If you have the money, travel to your heart’s content. If funds are tight, enjoy day trips and bunk at home.

What people hear less about is how to manage the transition of retirement as a couple. How will we blend our lives during this next phase? Just like any transition that affects both of you, this is something to navigate together to create a mutually happy home.

Say What You Want…Not What You Don’t Want

A good place to start is to begin talking things through. Many people have preconceived ideas about what retirement will be like, but they haven’t necessarily shared them with their partner.  If the partner has a different idea about how things will go, things may begin to clash, and often no one knows why. Being clear about the wishes and wants on either side will help you and your partner begin to make sense out of things.

Next, you can figure out what might work for both of you. Remember, you are not always going to want the exact same things—that’s okay. Hear each other out, show some flexibility, and see how you can make room for both of your preferences. Helpful hint: if you say what you do want, rather than what you don’t want, the conversation typically stays proactive rather than going in a contentious direction. 

Talking Prompts For Retiring Couples

Have some ideas about what you would like to say when going in for these chats. An example might be saying, “I would like us to go out to lunch once a week”, or “I think it would be great to take the grandchildren to the park together”, or “I would like us to go rollerblading”, (you never know). You can also say what you would like in the way of your hobbies and activities as separate from your partner. 

To get the conversation started, here are some talking and listening prompts. Don’t forget to take turns. 

            What do you envision for an enjoyable retirement? 

            Any activities do you like to do alone?

            What activities do you like doing with your friends?

            Hopes for together-time?

            Are you open to new suggestions for fun things for us to do together?

            Do you consider “chick flicks” fun things? (Kidding around)

            Aches & pains; how much can I “share” without driving you nuts?

Need To Renegotiate?

Another situation to manage is if one person is retired and the other is still working. Sometimes the person still working may want some extra support. Rather than staying mum and building resentments, discuss how things might feel more equitable. If you run into trouble, seek professional help to have these necessary conversations.

Make ‘Em Sparkle

Navigating retirement gives couples a chance to get reacquainted. Talking and listening to each other’s hopes, dreams, and fears may even bring you closer than you’ve ever been. Working out these details together will make your Golden Years sparkle.

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How To Survive Stressful Times…Without Destroying Your Relationship

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Originally published in The Union on 8/20/19

We all know that in life “stuff happens”. Things can be humming along and wham; you are hit with a major stressor. Maybe it’s a job loss, car accident, legal trouble, or some other calamity. When this happens, before couples even realize it, they can begin taking their stress out on each other. This is exactly the time to avoid such impulses and instead, double down and create a strong alliance to tackle the stress and not each other. Sounds good in theory, yes; but what are some realistic steps to making this work?   

Steps For Couples

1. The first step is taking time to stop and think together about how to manage the stress. That means you first must notice what’s happening and think, “Hey, we are up against something big; we need to pull together.” If you don’t recognize what is happening, you can do a lot of damage before getting on the same side. Recognizing the stressor and creating a plan will help you mobilize resources and work together effectively.

Plan to Work as a Team

2. Now for the plan. You can start by identifying ways to work as a team. Ask each other, “How can we support one another to get through this?” Brainstorm about what might be helpful. What can each of you contribute? Even if one of the partners is going to be responsible for handling the bulk of the stressor, the other partner can do more in support areas, such as increasing their chores around the house. Another way to work as a team is by recognizing the need for increased emotional support during times of stress. For example, partners may need to vent and to let off steam now and then. Bolstering each other’s spirits with words of encouragement can also go a long way. “We are going to get through this.” Or “I know you are doing everything you can and I see you fighting hard.” Find out what would be meaningful to your partner and try to come through for them. Let them know what would be helpful to you also, rather than expecting them to read your mind.

The Relationship Guide

3. Remember, a stressful time is usually temporary and will pass. You want your relationship to weather the storm. Think about how you will want to have handled yourself after the stress has passed. When you look back on it in the future, what will make you proud regarding how you conducted yourself? How will you have wanted to treat your partner? Whatever that is—you can use it as your guide.

Help Your Body

4. Another crucial step in managing high stress is to figure out how to calm your body. Take breaks from the issue at hand. Focus on something else for a while; a walk in nature, a kayak excursion, a good dinner out. Get some exercise, (you knew I was going to stay that). Harvard Health Publishing says that exercise reduces levels of the body’s stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. Exercise also stimulates the production of endorphins, which are the body’s natural mood elevators. Also, if you decide you need some outside support, don’t wait until things fester, go ahead and reach out.

Expect Some Iffy Behavior

5. Finally, don’t expect perfection. You might see some iffy behavior from your spouse (or yourself) during high-stress times. It’s likely to test your mettle. I once heard the definition that a good relationship is when only one person goes crazy at a time. If there is a major stressor, there’s a good chance that both people will be tempted to “lose it” at the same time and if so, it’s going to be ugly. Instead, you can tag-team with each other and when your partner is struggling hard, you can step up and be the calming influence. 

When “stuff happens” in your life, take measures to care for yourself, as well as your relationship by following these common sense ideas.

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TEACH YOUR KIDS’ RESPECT By Showing Them The Same

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Originally published in Parents’ Resource Guide, Summer 2019

Echos From The Past

“Because I said so!” How many of us grew up hearing that phrase from our parents? Did it ever make you want to behave more nicely as a child? Probably not. And has it ever slipped past your own lips on a really bad day? Of course, parents aren’t perfect and don’t have to be, but it is disappointing when we find ourselves saying things to our own children that we vowed we never would. Plus, treating children without respect breeds contempt and will not lead to a feeling of family cooperation.

What Are You Inspiring?

Sometimes parents are confused about how to gain respect from their children. One dad said, “My daughter is a slob around the house. Why doesn’t she show me more respect?” What is missing in this father’s attitude? R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Some think they should automatically get it because they are the adult. But respect is more than a behavior that can be demanded. The dictionary says respect is “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements.” The keyword here is feeling. Gaining respect means inspiring a feeling of esteem. Creating a relationship of respect means behaving in a way that earns it.

Strong Relationships

My husband tells a story about how as a kid, he and his father went on vacation to a lake with another family. The other family had a boy about his age who swam out into the lake farther than the boy’s dad wanted him to go. The boy’s father yelled at him to come back into shore and the child ignored him. My husband and his father sat on the beach watching. My husband’s dad said with a twinkle in his eye, “ If you ever do that, just keep right on swimming.” My husband knew that he wouldn’t disobey his dad. Not because his dad was mean and scary; he wasn’t. But because he was kind and loving, yet firm and in charge. He knew his father had his best interests in mind and he had a deep feeling of admiration for his dad. This feeling was there from countless loving interactions where his dad displayed the character traits that garnered his son’s respect.  

Patience

Building a relationship based on mutual respect doesn’t mean being a pushover on the one hand; nor is it harsh and demanding on the other. It means taking a strong leadership role in showing your children the respect that you want in return.  Over time, your children will come to display the behavior that goes along with the feeling of mutual respect that will characterize the relationship.   

Family Traditions ~ Creating Special Family Moments

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Originally published in the Parents’ Resource Guide Fall/Holiday 2018 issue

Fall is a great time of year to think about creating family traditions. Family traditions can be meaningful ways to develop positive relationships, build a strong sense of family identity and have a ton of fun. Special traditions can create a sacred sense of the seasons, family relationships, and life itself.

Sacred Time

Whether it’s a ritual of gratitude at Thanksgiving, enjoyable gatherings such as pizza and game night, or attending church, temple, or mosque, every family can create simple traditions in alignment with their values. If you’ve ever thought, “Hey that’s cool that our neighbors have such & such special family tradition”? Just remember, you can have special traditions too.

Memory Makers

When I was little, my family went camping every summer to Carlsbad Beach State Park. Even now when I drive past the place I feel a bit wistful for the old days.  I can still remember the taste of the sandy peanut butter sandwiches (crunchy not creamy!) and the store brand grape soda we had at the campsite picnic table.

A tradition that we started when our daughter was young was getting together with close friends for—brace yourself, it’s kind of corny—a sing-along. We started at Christmas time and would get together and sing carols. Did I mention we all have mediocre to terrible voices? Not a problem—we enjoyed the heck out of it. We even began doing it in the summer time also so we could decimate a lot of other good songs. Actually, we are not too bad on Ring of Fire, by Johnny Cash. We definitely have the accent down!

A Fall Favorite

My favorite Fall tradition is creating a Thanksgiving centerpiece that the family participates in all month long. First, the family takes a walk in the woods and chooses a beautiful Manzanita branch. The next step is to cut out leaves for the branch from fall colors of construction paper. Every evening at dinnertime, family members write down on a cut out leaf one thing they are feeling grateful for and attach it to the Manzanita branch. On Thanksgiving Day, the family can light a candle and read the leaves and think about all that they are thankful for as a part of the holiday tradition.

Keep It Simple

What traditions do you think your family might enjoy? Take a few minutes to give it some thought. It doesn’t have to take a lot of work, and it certainly doesn’t have to be expensive. Just keep it simple. With a bit of planning, there is no reason you cannot bring about some more family fun and closeness and create memories to last a lifetime.

 

Legit Reasons to Go to Bed Angry

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Most of us have heard the adage “never go to bed angry”. It makes good sense at first glance. Of course couples want to sail off into slumber each night without a trace of discord. Plus, it’s common sense not to let resentments to pile up. However, say you’re having trouble seeing eye to eye with your sweetheart. Say tempers are starting to flare. There is a good chance one or both people will get carried away and say some things they regret. A time out is in order—even if it means going to bed before things are resolved.

Research about marriages that succeed or fail

Please continue reading this article by Meg Luce, LMFT on marriage.com where it was first published on August 31, 2018

Top Ten Reasons To Take Parenting Classes

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 Originally published in the Parents’ Resource Guide Back to School Issue 2018

It’s that time of year where I gear up to offer parenting classes. Triple P-Positive Parenting is an evidence-based curriculum for parents with children 2-12, and with a little applied effort, the program gives good results for developing helpful skills and useful strategies. Circle of Security Parenting is another parenting journey for those with babies and young children up to age 5. It is a rich and reflective experience that helps parents understand and respond to the needs of their young ones. Thanks to the Nevada County Superintendent of Schools and First 5 Nevada County, these classes are available to all. The only cost is a $35 materials fee and $45 for a couple. We also have scholarships for those who need it.

Okay, as promised, here’s your Top Ten Reasons to Take Parenting Classes that I have heard from participants or otherwise observed.

1. It’s Fun

I’m not kidding. It IS fun to learn new strategies and exchange favorite tips with other parents.

2. To Get On The Same Page With My Parenting Partner

Whether you’re a mom and dad, two moms, or a grandparent and adult-child team, it’s so helpful when you and your parenting partner can create a strong alliance.

3. Free Pizza!

No joke. If you can make time for classes in your busy family schedule, we are happy to supply the pizza and childcare.

4. I’m A Grandparent And Could REALLY Use Some Fresh Ideas

It’s amazing how many grandparents are on the job raising children. Thank goodness for you, grandparents!

5. Date Night!

Okay, this may be a true act of desperation; however(!), parents do to get a chance to come to class together, sit next to each other, and even have some actual uninterrupted conversations.

6. My Kids Are Driving The Bus

Not the real bus. But a lot of parents feel like the children are more in charge than they are, and parents don’t know what to do about it.

7. To Learn To Set Firm and Healthy Limits

I do not jest. This can happen in your family too.

8. To Create Routines And Save Your Sanity

Remember sanity?

9. To Reconnect With Your Child And Feel Better About Yourself As A Parent

You CAN stop yelling and do more connecting. It does feel better.

10. To Hang Out With Other Adults While Your Children Play!

Did I mention we have childcare? 😉

 

Whatever is your top reason, feel free to give a call and we will get you signed up.

undifferentiated self

Undifferentiated Self

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This article is also published on The Couples Institute Couples Blog

Differentiation–What is it?

In the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model of Couples therapy, you may hear about differentiation—but what is it? This blog post includes the poem, “Undifferentiated Self”, which touches on differentiation. For those unfamiliar with this concept, here is a note of clarification to help people understand one aspect of the broader term. According to Couples Institute co-founder, Dr. Ellyn Bader, “self-differentiation is the capacity to go internal and notice and express one’s thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires without blame or criticism.” It takes maturity to interact in this way and it is not uncommon to struggle at times in this regard—especially in important relationships. In this piece, I describe the strong temptation to sometimes let go of self-differentiation and give into a lesser side. Also how it may be helpful to acknowledge this temptation, while not giving into it. Pushing one’s ability to tolerate and experience strong emotions and not let them take over, is a key for successful relationships.

 

Hello, Undifferentiated Self,

You are here today and would like to come on strong—rant and rave a bit; 

maybe throw your weight around. 

You know you are loved. And yet you want to be petty.

You know he gets caught in his patterns that have practically nothing to do with you. 

And yet you want to be angry.

A comment, a look, a sound, and you would like to be off and running. WHY?!

It is pointless! And so I stop. But the feelings remain; rumbling around inside me.

 Hah! I could change my mind at any second and be vicious! Ah, to fantasize about

all the ways to be evil! I would feel such a sense of glee, until I really hurt him.                                              

Then I would feel horrible and it wouldn’t even be worth it.

And so…I simmer.

 

Anger

I wrote this one day while angry at my spouse. There was no treasonous act or horrible insult. He was simply tired, but feeling he should do more for me. Rather than telling me so, he gave me the subtle but unmistakable impression that I am an enormous burden.

Low Road

The message radiating off of him really set me off. It was a moment of wanting to take the low road. This happens now and then to us humans. I wanted to give into my feelings, without any thinking. I wanted to make him responsible for my state of mind and say, “You MADE me feel irate!” The urge was so strong!

Thinking

But I also had my thinking. As a therapist who works with many couples trying to help them take the high road, I knew exactly what was going on. What a dilemma! I knew that he was, indeed, NOT responsible for my feelings. My feelings were something for me to experience and make sense of. If I then chose to talk with my husband after I had returned to my integrated adult self, I knew he would be willing to listen.

I took a walk and tried to settle down. Did some mindfulness practice. I made a partial recovery, and when my husband got home and gave me a look, I was angry all over again.

Reintegration

With a wicked little smile on my face, I sat down with my computer. I knew the moment I started writing that I was on the right track. Starting with the greeting to my undifferentiated self felt perfect. Yes, it was a regressed part of me that wanted to act out. Saying hello to this childish interloper broke the spell. Fully acknowledging this side of me that wanted to take the low road, while not allowing myself to do it, was at once satisfying and empowering. Paradoxically, by allowing my dark thoughts to flourish, I immediately found the humor in the situation and the light feeling that came with it. By imagining all of the ways a part of me wanted to act out, but not doing so, was oddly entertaining. The blustery anger seemed to evaporate. I really wasn’t that upset with my husband. This was more between me and me, and I was handling it.

Try This at Home…

When strong feelings bubble up and you want to lash out at your partner, stop instead and self-reflect. Walk away, take a few breaths, do some journaling; this might be the perfect time to get the kitchen floor scrubbed clean! While your feelings are activated, ask yourself what is going on. What is it exactly that you are telling yourself? It may or may not be true. It might be simply that you are annoyed with your partner, or there may be a theme that has been activated from your past. Exercising the discipline to discern your experience and not unload on your partner is a valuable practice, even though you may really, really want to! If you take the time to settle down and figure out what it is you are thinking and feeling, you can tell your partner at a later time in a better way.